I agree. Been married 10 years this year. I started HRT just before Christmas and it’s done wonders for our marriage - mainly because I’ve started giving zero fucks about so much more in general since being on it. So I therefore let so much more shit go now with my husband. I’m not saying the key is wives letting their husbands ride roughshod, but it’s the mirroring of my attitude in my husband that has had the impact too. Because I don’t react as much now, nor does he. We’re so much happier (well we just kind of get on so much more now, without it being a competition about who emptied the dishwasher last) and not sweating the small stuff with each other has been such a big part of that.
Together 23 years - since our early 20s, married almost 21 years. It's a cliché but communication really is key. We have the same views on the important things like money, house and parenting, which I think must be so much harder if you don't. Also we prioritise the same things in life - work to live rather than live to work, happy family and time together over wealth/flashy possessions or experiences.
Accepting that the butterflies and excitement fade - I think people often mistake it for 'the love has gone' when really it's inevitable in any long-term relationship. I'm sure everyone has heard of love languages but they're useful to bear in mind. We also did 'the marriage course' a few years ago - we did it in person but I believe it's also available online. Highly recommend even for those happily married, it gave us a few tips and actually made us appreciate each other and our marriage even more.
Happy anniversary, Esther, it's a great post! And I always love the Spike comments, but I must say these have been particularly insightful and enjoyable.
We've been together for 18 years and recently, with some stresses in other areas of life, we've been particularly grateful for each other's support. Relying on that in itself feels risky as that feeling DOES fluctuate, but it's probably important to have those good and supportive times within reach / memory!
In terms of wisdom, someone once told me that when possible you should never make big decisions about your relationship when you're in the middle of a bad time. Assuming that bad time doesn't last forever, you should try and stick it out and reassess if you need to once you're out the other side. That goes for a lot of things, really, like trying not to make business decisions when you're in a defensive or tight position - they're often not the correct decisions.
From my own experience, I feel the 'secret' of a long-term relationship has a lot more to do with luck than I used to think. Two really great people, well-suited to each other and capable of compromise, can still struggle and fail when the circumstances are testing enough, and particularly if you're both being tested at the same time. For this reason, I'm always wary of saying "Let's embark on this difficult house project / work commitment / family thing - it'll be a tough xxx many months but we'll get through it". Because who knows what might else happen during that time, and we're none of us immune to pressure. I suppose that comes down to appreciating and respecting the relationship as something that needs protecting.
We’ve had wobbles who hasn’t but at the moment - given the example of the two arses my sisters have nearly divorced and stayed with I’ve appreciated his true worth as my partner
We have our own friends interests and bank accounts but we’re ‘together’ in every other respect
Well , after 30 years the only thing I can add to these sage and sensible comments is .. spend time away from each other.. you don’t have to share every single hour and day together( if you have the opportunity to do otherwise)Be patient, generous in negotiation if the mood strikes you.. but stand up for what you want always. Never allow resentment to foment….
Some really lovely comments and wise words on here! I will have been married for 18 years this year (I can only remember how long by adding a year to the age of my eldest child).
My mum always told me that like was more important than love and I think that is it. We get on and like each other but we have very different personalities, which sort of balances us out. I think things through, he’s impulsive. I am generally calm and he gets cross at the dog or kids over something very minor but this helps when we actually need to complain about something and I don’t want to make a fuss. We make each other laugh and humour gets you through most things in life, I feel.
Also our kids are almost 17 and 14 and once they could be left, or go out and do their own thing, this was a game changer. My husband and I go out together again as a couple and plan things to do or places to go. It’s still hard, he still infuriates me often but I am optimistic. Happy anniversary, Esther.
Really enjoyed reading these comments. I've been married for 13 years too. There was a spell when the kids were little that I stuck it out purely for financial reasons to be honest. It got way better and now I think shared sense of humour and plenty to talk about (we are great friends) does the trick for a lot of it. Something I had to grow up into was taking responsibility for my own happiness. Its not my husbands job to make me happy. Sort of like, if I'm in a terrible mood then its because I'm in a terrible mood, and its up to me to sort it out, rather than go hunting for something that I can blame on him. Or if I didn't have enough going on in my life I would get cross with him doing his things, rather than arranging to do my things.
I’ll be married for 20 years this August which makes me feel ancient. The idea of someone referring to my husband as ‘my other half’ has always made me feel a bit sick as we are very clearly not one and the same. I think it’s worked because we are both quite laid back, we’ve worked out our strengths for family and general house duties - he sorts the kitchen after supper while I put the kids to bed, he makes the packed lunches, feeds the pets, sorts the cars and does the bins, I do the laundry and the grocery shopping, we both cook. I know it sounds mundane but genuinely I think because we’ve fallen into a bit of a pattern now the kids are a bit older (8, 11, 13) there is less to get pissed off about with each other. So there is not much to bicker about, though of course he does drive me mad with plenty of other things.
I have struggled a bit with the major changes that have happened over the last few years. He used to be MD of a company n London and commuted 5 days a week. He’s now, post-pandemic, by choice, self-employed and works at home 4 days out of 5. I also work from home (thankfully we have our own separate offices) and sometimes I miss the old days. Not the late-back-absolutely-hammered days which were quite frequent but just having the house to myself. Basically sometimes I wish he would feck off back to London and leave me to my nice house and stop being around messing it all up and getting in my way.
The minister who married us said that if in your older years you realise your husband is your best friend then it’s been a successful marriage. We are definitely there, he is a lot of fun to hang out with. I had a bit of a crisis recently worrying if I still fancied him but after weeks of fretting decided that things ebb and flow and there’s no way I want to be without him, so get over it. We should definitely have more sex - my perimenopausal state has taken every shred of desire away from me, but he’s so patient and isn’t making a big deal of things.
I agree with the other comments about having your own life. I have three weekends away planned this spring/summer with different groups of friends and I am so looking forward to those. I play tennis, I go out on bike rides and walks - sometimes with friends and sometimes alone - I have a busy social life and we are starting to entertain a bit more now. He’s always reluctant but then enjoys the party/dinner party/night out with friends and I’ve realised as our life together has progressed that if I make the plans, even though I know he’ll complain, he’ll come along in the end and have a good time.
God, this is a bit like therapy! The idea of divorce gives me the heeby jeebies - have a few friends who have gone through it and they all say, do whatever you can work through your problems and avoid this.
My other piece of advice is don’t think about things too much. Easy to say and probably a bit glib, but as a general approach to life and marriage it seems to work for me/us.
When you are born you are given your Fathers name, if you have no father it’s your Mothers name (which is her Fathers name) and you take your husbands name when you marry. Even if you keep your own name it’s still your Fathers name. No woman has ever had her own name.
Fascinating thread. We’ve been married for 12 years, together for 14, and I was heavily HEAVILY pregnant when we got hitched.
The truth is that it can close to ending about four years ago. But we found our way back together - by being kind to each other. And he is my best friend and I am so, so thankful that we are still together.
But I have a close good of girl friends whose role he could never fill. I have a fulfilling and well paid job, a separate bank account, and loads of interests which are mine alone. I don’t need him to be everything. I just need him to be mine.
My parents have six divorces between them. Three each. As their child it focuses the mind marvellously on what you WON’T do if ever you follow them down the aisle. Hence I am happily married for almost 20 years.
Does that make them good or bad examples?! Genuinely not sure ...
Happy anniversary. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. Married (once secretly) and then publicly for 21 and 19 years. I have no idea how we got through the early child years because I was like a single parent while he worked crazy hours and I was lonely and depressed and I resented the hell out of him. Blogging to vent helped. I think we are here because he’s my best mate. We enjoy the same stuff together - old fashioneds, cinema etc. His politics have changed and that can be difficult but he left yesterday for two weeks in Oz seeing family and I’m missing him madly. Honesty, a few separate interests, keeping your gal pals, making each other laugh daily and taking the piss out of each other - is the way forward. Like yesterday I somehow managed to lock the car keys in the car, 35 mins drive from home, 20 mins before he was due to drive to Heathrow for an international flight… 😬 A lot of tears and stress later my new nickname is ‘Heathrow.’
I’m married for 15, together for 20. There were several years when the kids were tiny and he was very not fucking helpful that I’ve would happily have divorced him. If I had the energy. We’re through that and I actually like him again.
Therapy, or thinking hard about why each of you is the way you are definitely helps especially if you get together young at Uni as we did. Having strong boundaries (his issues/ my issues) - I’m very late to that party - sigh. Coming to a mutual agreement about managing each other’s mad families helps. Forgiving each others extremely annoying habits/ quirks.
This sums it up perfectly for me. I also love this poem by Seamus Heaney, which seems to encapsulate marriage - it's not glamorous but it hasn't fallen down (yet).
I'm going to be honest now - I realise it's not a view tolerated by many. I've been married twice and 2nd marriage is knocking on 23 years, no kids (which is a consideration). Anyhow, my observations of friends/family marriages is this. If you have kids and you will be financially strapped if you left your partner, then you stay despite growing apart and being in a state of low level frustration. One friend is so not happy with her partner, but they have just booked a big trip to Australia and another for a wedding on Greece. As she said to be my life style would be compromised and I just haven't got the energy to start again with a lot less money. Of course it's possible to be together and rub along happily for years and years. But just because you rack up the years doesn't make it something to aspire to. Being with somebody compassionate, kind, generous and understanding is what I looked for in my 2nd marriage and so far so good. Gawd knows how my life would be now if I'd stayed with my 1st husband.
Very early in our now 28-year marriage my husband put a poem he’d written to me on a mirror in the hall and every time I’m considering divorce it stops me. This is not so much the very touching sentiments it contains - lovely though they are - but because it’s quite long and he had to fix every letter separately. This would have demanded reserves of patience I haven’t seen since and I can’t walk away from such a miracle.
I agree. Been married 10 years this year. I started HRT just before Christmas and it’s done wonders for our marriage - mainly because I’ve started giving zero fucks about so much more in general since being on it. So I therefore let so much more shit go now with my husband. I’m not saying the key is wives letting their husbands ride roughshod, but it’s the mirroring of my attitude in my husband that has had the impact too. Because I don’t react as much now, nor does he. We’re so much happier (well we just kind of get on so much more now, without it being a competition about who emptied the dishwasher last) and not sweating the small stuff with each other has been such a big part of that.
Together 23 years - since our early 20s, married almost 21 years. It's a cliché but communication really is key. We have the same views on the important things like money, house and parenting, which I think must be so much harder if you don't. Also we prioritise the same things in life - work to live rather than live to work, happy family and time together over wealth/flashy possessions or experiences.
Accepting that the butterflies and excitement fade - I think people often mistake it for 'the love has gone' when really it's inevitable in any long-term relationship. I'm sure everyone has heard of love languages but they're useful to bear in mind. We also did 'the marriage course' a few years ago - we did it in person but I believe it's also available online. Highly recommend even for those happily married, it gave us a few tips and actually made us appreciate each other and our marriage even more.
Happy anniversary, Esther, it's a great post! And I always love the Spike comments, but I must say these have been particularly insightful and enjoyable.
We've been together for 18 years and recently, with some stresses in other areas of life, we've been particularly grateful for each other's support. Relying on that in itself feels risky as that feeling DOES fluctuate, but it's probably important to have those good and supportive times within reach / memory!
In terms of wisdom, someone once told me that when possible you should never make big decisions about your relationship when you're in the middle of a bad time. Assuming that bad time doesn't last forever, you should try and stick it out and reassess if you need to once you're out the other side. That goes for a lot of things, really, like trying not to make business decisions when you're in a defensive or tight position - they're often not the correct decisions.
From my own experience, I feel the 'secret' of a long-term relationship has a lot more to do with luck than I used to think. Two really great people, well-suited to each other and capable of compromise, can still struggle and fail when the circumstances are testing enough, and particularly if you're both being tested at the same time. For this reason, I'm always wary of saying "Let's embark on this difficult house project / work commitment / family thing - it'll be a tough xxx many months but we'll get through it". Because who knows what might else happen during that time, and we're none of us immune to pressure. I suppose that comes down to appreciating and respecting the relationship as something that needs protecting.
We’ve been together 25 years/married 22 this year
We’ve had wobbles who hasn’t but at the moment - given the example of the two arses my sisters have nearly divorced and stayed with I’ve appreciated his true worth as my partner
We have our own friends interests and bank accounts but we’re ‘together’ in every other respect
Well , after 30 years the only thing I can add to these sage and sensible comments is .. spend time away from each other.. you don’t have to share every single hour and day together( if you have the opportunity to do otherwise)Be patient, generous in negotiation if the mood strikes you.. but stand up for what you want always. Never allow resentment to foment….
Some really lovely comments and wise words on here! I will have been married for 18 years this year (I can only remember how long by adding a year to the age of my eldest child).
My mum always told me that like was more important than love and I think that is it. We get on and like each other but we have very different personalities, which sort of balances us out. I think things through, he’s impulsive. I am generally calm and he gets cross at the dog or kids over something very minor but this helps when we actually need to complain about something and I don’t want to make a fuss. We make each other laugh and humour gets you through most things in life, I feel.
Also our kids are almost 17 and 14 and once they could be left, or go out and do their own thing, this was a game changer. My husband and I go out together again as a couple and plan things to do or places to go. It’s still hard, he still infuriates me often but I am optimistic. Happy anniversary, Esther.
Really enjoyed reading these comments. I've been married for 13 years too. There was a spell when the kids were little that I stuck it out purely for financial reasons to be honest. It got way better and now I think shared sense of humour and plenty to talk about (we are great friends) does the trick for a lot of it. Something I had to grow up into was taking responsibility for my own happiness. Its not my husbands job to make me happy. Sort of like, if I'm in a terrible mood then its because I'm in a terrible mood, and its up to me to sort it out, rather than go hunting for something that I can blame on him. Or if I didn't have enough going on in my life I would get cross with him doing his things, rather than arranging to do my things.
I’ll be married for 20 years this August which makes me feel ancient. The idea of someone referring to my husband as ‘my other half’ has always made me feel a bit sick as we are very clearly not one and the same. I think it’s worked because we are both quite laid back, we’ve worked out our strengths for family and general house duties - he sorts the kitchen after supper while I put the kids to bed, he makes the packed lunches, feeds the pets, sorts the cars and does the bins, I do the laundry and the grocery shopping, we both cook. I know it sounds mundane but genuinely I think because we’ve fallen into a bit of a pattern now the kids are a bit older (8, 11, 13) there is less to get pissed off about with each other. So there is not much to bicker about, though of course he does drive me mad with plenty of other things.
I have struggled a bit with the major changes that have happened over the last few years. He used to be MD of a company n London and commuted 5 days a week. He’s now, post-pandemic, by choice, self-employed and works at home 4 days out of 5. I also work from home (thankfully we have our own separate offices) and sometimes I miss the old days. Not the late-back-absolutely-hammered days which were quite frequent but just having the house to myself. Basically sometimes I wish he would feck off back to London and leave me to my nice house and stop being around messing it all up and getting in my way.
The minister who married us said that if in your older years you realise your husband is your best friend then it’s been a successful marriage. We are definitely there, he is a lot of fun to hang out with. I had a bit of a crisis recently worrying if I still fancied him but after weeks of fretting decided that things ebb and flow and there’s no way I want to be without him, so get over it. We should definitely have more sex - my perimenopausal state has taken every shred of desire away from me, but he’s so patient and isn’t making a big deal of things.
I agree with the other comments about having your own life. I have three weekends away planned this spring/summer with different groups of friends and I am so looking forward to those. I play tennis, I go out on bike rides and walks - sometimes with friends and sometimes alone - I have a busy social life and we are starting to entertain a bit more now. He’s always reluctant but then enjoys the party/dinner party/night out with friends and I’ve realised as our life together has progressed that if I make the plans, even though I know he’ll complain, he’ll come along in the end and have a good time.
God, this is a bit like therapy! The idea of divorce gives me the heeby jeebies - have a few friends who have gone through it and they all say, do whatever you can work through your problems and avoid this.
My other piece of advice is don’t think about things too much. Easy to say and probably a bit glib, but as a general approach to life and marriage it seems to work for me/us.
When you are born you are given your Fathers name, if you have no father it’s your Mothers name (which is her Fathers name) and you take your husbands name when you marry. Even if you keep your own name it’s still your Fathers name. No woman has ever had her own name.
Fascinating thread. We’ve been married for 12 years, together for 14, and I was heavily HEAVILY pregnant when we got hitched.
The truth is that it can close to ending about four years ago. But we found our way back together - by being kind to each other. And he is my best friend and I am so, so thankful that we are still together.
But I have a close good of girl friends whose role he could never fill. I have a fulfilling and well paid job, a separate bank account, and loads of interests which are mine alone. I don’t need him to be everything. I just need him to be mine.
My parents have six divorces between them. Three each. As their child it focuses the mind marvellously on what you WON’T do if ever you follow them down the aisle. Hence I am happily married for almost 20 years.
Does that make them good or bad examples?! Genuinely not sure ...
Happy anniversary. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. Married (once secretly) and then publicly for 21 and 19 years. I have no idea how we got through the early child years because I was like a single parent while he worked crazy hours and I was lonely and depressed and I resented the hell out of him. Blogging to vent helped. I think we are here because he’s my best mate. We enjoy the same stuff together - old fashioneds, cinema etc. His politics have changed and that can be difficult but he left yesterday for two weeks in Oz seeing family and I’m missing him madly. Honesty, a few separate interests, keeping your gal pals, making each other laugh daily and taking the piss out of each other - is the way forward. Like yesterday I somehow managed to lock the car keys in the car, 35 mins drive from home, 20 mins before he was due to drive to Heathrow for an international flight… 😬 A lot of tears and stress later my new nickname is ‘Heathrow.’
I’m married for 15, together for 20. There were several years when the kids were tiny and he was very not fucking helpful that I’ve would happily have divorced him. If I had the energy. We’re through that and I actually like him again.
Therapy, or thinking hard about why each of you is the way you are definitely helps especially if you get together young at Uni as we did. Having strong boundaries (his issues/ my issues) - I’m very late to that party - sigh. Coming to a mutual agreement about managing each other’s mad families helps. Forgiving each others extremely annoying habits/ quirks.
Otherwise, it’s about sticking at it.
This sums it up perfectly for me. I also love this poem by Seamus Heaney, which seems to encapsulate marriage - it's not glamorous but it hasn't fallen down (yet).
Scaffolding, by Seamus Heaney
Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding;
Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.
And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.
So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me
Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
Confident that we have built our wall.
I'm going to be honest now - I realise it's not a view tolerated by many. I've been married twice and 2nd marriage is knocking on 23 years, no kids (which is a consideration). Anyhow, my observations of friends/family marriages is this. If you have kids and you will be financially strapped if you left your partner, then you stay despite growing apart and being in a state of low level frustration. One friend is so not happy with her partner, but they have just booked a big trip to Australia and another for a wedding on Greece. As she said to be my life style would be compromised and I just haven't got the energy to start again with a lot less money. Of course it's possible to be together and rub along happily for years and years. But just because you rack up the years doesn't make it something to aspire to. Being with somebody compassionate, kind, generous and understanding is what I looked for in my 2nd marriage and so far so good. Gawd knows how my life would be now if I'd stayed with my 1st husband.
Very early in our now 28-year marriage my husband put a poem he’d written to me on a mirror in the hall and every time I’m considering divorce it stops me. This is not so much the very touching sentiments it contains - lovely though they are - but because it’s quite long and he had to fix every letter separately. This would have demanded reserves of patience I haven’t seen since and I can’t walk away from such a miracle.