You get less for murder
I have been married for 13 years
I had absolutely no pre-conceived ideas of marriage. I was so basically detached (panic?) from the process that the morning after my wedding I rang downstairs to reception from my hotel room and booked myself a massage in my maiden name.
“The name is Walker,” I said, blithely.
“Coren!” bellowed my new husband in utter incredulity. “Your name is Esther. Coren!”
Like fuck it is, I thought. And didn’t understand why he was having such a cow. Some things still arrive at my house addressed to Esther Walker. I am always Esther Walker in the paper.
And I think perhaps that this early declaration that I was still in some ways always going to be my own person, separate, myself, is a reason that we are still married. I never thought it was going to be happy ever after, I never thought that we were going to be one unit, one mind, for ever and ever amen. I thought that I was going to live with this man and try and get along and see how it went. My husband hates it when I talk like this because I sound like my dad.
My friend Melissa once said to me that the greatest gift you can have as a married person is the ability to forget. You do so much unbelievably dumb shit to each other when you are married, sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident, (and this quadruples when you have children), and it can all mount up into a bit of a toxic pile. The ability just let it go - for want of a better phrase - is priceless.
Anyway my husband and I spent our anniversary day going to rescue the car from where Giles had to abandon it with a flat tyre the other day. We shared a falafel wrap and a juice while we waited for a tow to Kwik-Fit and it was a low-stakes but ultimately gratifying experience, that we can do something as quite hassly as sort out a car with a flat tyre without any sort of even mild bickering.
I mean, we’ll be at each other’s throats any minute now, but you take what you can get, u feel me?
How about you? Have you been married for a long time? Are you good at forgetting? Please feel free to leave any wisdom about marriage for the group in the handy box below.
20 years today! I gave him a bluetooth meat thermometer for the BBQ (the PERFECT present for any man - https://store-uk.meater.com/products/meater-plus) and he gave me a stupidly extravagant ring which I am blown away by. We are totally opposite, and it is often a mystery how we have stayed married so long but I do think the key is to not expect your partner to provide you with entertainment. Go out and find your fun, be independent and have your own life as well as your married one. I
'm a Forces child and my husband was in the Army when we met and there is something very resilient about these types of marriages as you have to withstand long periods apart and just GET ON WITH IT. We did the first 3 years as weekends only and this set the blueprint.
Also - two tellies, your own bank account and a spare bed somewhere in the house for when the snoring gets too much.
14 years together this year for us. My advice is to not internalise the other’s bad moods. His bad moods are his own and are not my responsibility. But similarly shouting “GET FUCKING THERAPY” isn’t recommended(!)