I had absolutely no pre-conceived ideas of marriage. I was so basically detached (panic?) from the process that the morning after my wedding I rang downstairs to reception from my hotel room and booked myself a massage in my maiden name.
“The name is Walker,” I said, blithely.
“Coren!” bellowed my new husband in utter incredulity. “Your name is Esther. Coren!”
Like fuck it is, I thought. And didn’t understand why he was having such a cow. Some things still arrive at my house addressed to Esther Walker. I am always Esther Walker in the paper.
And I think perhaps that this early declaration that I was still in some ways always going to be my own person, separate, myself, is a reason that we are still married. I never thought it was going to be happy ever after, I never thought that we were going to be one unit, one mind, for ever and ever amen. I thought that I was going to live with this man and try and get along and see how it went. My husband hates it when I talk like this because I sound like my dad.
My friend Melissa once said to me that the greatest gift you can have as a married person is the ability to forget. You do so much unbelievably dumb shit to each other when you are married, sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident, (and this quadruples when you have children), and it can all mount up into a bit of a toxic pile. The ability just let it go - for want of a better phrase - is priceless.
Anyway my husband and I spent our anniversary day going to rescue the car from where Giles had to abandon it with a flat tyre the other day. We shared a falafel wrap and a juice while we waited for a tow to Kwik-Fit and it was a low-stakes but ultimately gratifying experience, that we can do something as quite hassly as sort out a car with a flat tyre without any sort of even mild bickering.
I mean, we’ll be at each other’s throats any minute now, but you take what you can get, u feel me?
How about you? Have you been married for a long time? Are you good at forgetting? Please feel free to leave any wisdom about marriage for the group in the handy box below.
You get less for murder
I agree. Been married 10 years this year. I started HRT just before Christmas and it’s done wonders for our marriage - mainly because I’ve started giving zero fucks about so much more in general since being on it. So I therefore let so much more shit go now with my husband. I’m not saying the key is wives letting their husbands ride roughshod, but it’s the mirroring of my attitude in my husband that has had the impact too. Because I don’t react as much now, nor does he. We’re so much happier (well we just kind of get on so much more now, without it being a competition about who emptied the dishwasher last) and not sweating the small stuff with each other has been such a big part of that.
Together 23 years - since our early 20s, married almost 21 years. It's a cliché but communication really is key. We have the same views on the important things like money, house and parenting, which I think must be so much harder if you don't. Also we prioritise the same things in life - work to live rather than live to work, happy family and time together over wealth/flashy possessions or experiences.
Accepting that the butterflies and excitement fade - I think people often mistake it for 'the love has gone' when really it's inevitable in any long-term relationship. I'm sure everyone has heard of love languages but they're useful to bear in mind. We also did 'the marriage course' a few years ago - we did it in person but I believe it's also available online. Highly recommend even for those happily married, it gave us a few tips and actually made us appreciate each other and our marriage even more.