My friend’s dad was coming out of an underground toilet in Paris and my friend was heading down the stairs to go for a wee too. She caught him apologising to his reflection, insisting his reflection exit the loo first, “after you…..no after you.” After about five exchanges with his reflection he swore at himself and said, “For god’s sake, you’re an idiot.” Still not realising it was his own reflection.
Good advice not to apologise…..I think it was bred into me at school….apologising for everything….especially during tennis….oooooopps sorry just hit the net….how awfully brilliant for me…but I’ll dutifully apologise anyway!
Absolutely love this. I work with a rather drippy woman who says sorry all the time and it drives me nuts. I constantly swear under my breath when I hear the words leave her mouth for the tenth time that day. It makes her look weak and incompetent, when i think she is just trying to be endearing and nice. I hate it!
Great advice by Giles. I agree with this tendency to say sorry, especially by women. It minimizes our efforts. Next we will be apologizing for living! 😄
Ugh I am such a say sorry all-the-time sort of person and I am British, so it's kinda ingrained. I have to stop myself in writing it in emails and saying it in weird and unnecessary situations. But now I don't live in the UK AND I am married to an American, who doesn't understand the British cultural/language knee-jerk that is apologising for everything. So I end up saying sorry for saying sorry - argh!
And as a teacher, student emails can be funny, but something that I find really reassuring for the future of humanity is how exceptionally polite students are.
I refuse to 'be kind' anymore. We have all been gaslight and taken advantage of by people who do not have our (women's) best interests at heart*. I will be respectful and fair, but not kind. And I am not sorry (expect to the poor man whose car I hit recently - I am very sorry for that).
I’ve hit so many cars in my life (I Am still Allowed to drive by the way- It’s not That Bad) that I just can’t be sorry about it any more ! Not Sorry 🤪
I started actively refusing to say sorry as a kneejerk after my kids were born. I found myself saying sorry for simply existing when people would move for my pram on paths, etc, and didn't want my kids to grow up thinking they should apologise for taking up space. Now I just say thank you, and move on (still get the urge to scream SORRY! after them though)
PR is sometimes known as 'Christmas tree rash,' if that helps make it more glam?
As British people, we are legally obliged to say "sorry" at least 8 times a day. Unless we are at fault, in which case we indignantly await your apology.
Perfect timing for this - I deleted all the syrupy apologies in an email to an editor today. I'd worked really hard, why was I diluting it?! Thanks Esther.
100% agree. I now live in the US (but am English) and have had to severely train myself out of constantly apologising at work and in work emails - not only does it predispose people to think your work is rubbish, as you say - it's also super time wasting in meetings and casts a pall over your abilities and ideas. I think a clarifying moment was when I was in a meeting with mostly american people, me and one British consultant woman. Everything she said was preceded by "this is probably a terrible idea, but maybe I could run it by you all anyway ...", "sorry, but could I just add something, even if it's no good, might be worth hearing...", "sorry, but I think it might actually be better if we ..." (all of these about things she was the only expert on in the meeting). I saw how it looked on the outside, and it's not good. It's an ongoing battle though... I still have to rewrite emails constantly. And I still apologise reflexively if someone treads on my foot or whatever! oh well!
I deleted ‘let me know if you need any tweaks’ when I filed today and got an instant glowing reply and login details to the payment system. Never let them see your weakness!
I'm totally with you on the sorry thing. I make a point especially at work to check emails and draft work and weed out unwarranted apologies, self-deprecation, and those undermining, self-minimising "justs" that creep in: "'I'm just sending this..."/"I'm just wondering ...."/"Could I just check...". Oh, and I've also had pityriasis rosea twice and it is not nice. Sending you all the healing vibes!
This is terrific. I am terrible for this, and yet, yes, I try and make sure my daughter isn’t constantly apologetic. It makes you instantly smaller but I can’t seem to help it, despite feeling this every time. My son would rather come food shopping with me than email a teacher. Even if it’s a small question of clarification he would do anything to avoid it.
My friend’s dad was coming out of an underground toilet in Paris and my friend was heading down the stairs to go for a wee too. She caught him apologising to his reflection, insisting his reflection exit the loo first, “after you…..no after you.” After about five exchanges with his reflection he swore at himself and said, “For god’s sake, you’re an idiot.” Still not realising it was his own reflection.
Good advice not to apologise…..I think it was bred into me at school….apologising for everything….especially during tennis….oooooopps sorry just hit the net….how awfully brilliant for me…but I’ll dutifully apologise anyway!
Never apologise, never explain.
Absolutely love this. I work with a rather drippy woman who says sorry all the time and it drives me nuts. I constantly swear under my breath when I hear the words leave her mouth for the tenth time that day. It makes her look weak and incompetent, when i think she is just trying to be endearing and nice. I hate it!
Great advice by Giles. I agree with this tendency to say sorry, especially by women. It minimizes our efforts. Next we will be apologizing for living! 😄
Brilliant piece.
Ugh I am such a say sorry all-the-time sort of person and I am British, so it's kinda ingrained. I have to stop myself in writing it in emails and saying it in weird and unnecessary situations. But now I don't live in the UK AND I am married to an American, who doesn't understand the British cultural/language knee-jerk that is apologising for everything. So I end up saying sorry for saying sorry - argh!
And as a teacher, student emails can be funny, but something that I find really reassuring for the future of humanity is how exceptionally polite students are.
how lovely!
I refuse to 'be kind' anymore. We have all been gaslight and taken advantage of by people who do not have our (women's) best interests at heart*. I will be respectful and fair, but not kind. And I am not sorry (expect to the poor man whose car I hit recently - I am very sorry for that).
(* Women's boxing being just the latest example.)
lol you're allowed to be sorry for hitting a car
I’ve hit so many cars in my life (I Am still Allowed to drive by the way- It’s not That Bad) that I just can’t be sorry about it any more ! Not Sorry 🤪
I started actively refusing to say sorry as a kneejerk after my kids were born. I found myself saying sorry for simply existing when people would move for my pram on paths, etc, and didn't want my kids to grow up thinking they should apologise for taking up space. Now I just say thank you, and move on (still get the urge to scream SORRY! after them though)
PR is sometimes known as 'Christmas tree rash,' if that helps make it more glam?
is it? yes that does help. it still looks like measles though. perhaps Fool's Measles is a good name
Everyone loves a rebrand
As British people, we are legally obliged to say "sorry" at least 8 times a day. Unless we are at fault, in which case we indignantly await your apology.
Completely this! 😆
Perfect timing for this - I deleted all the syrupy apologies in an email to an editor today. I'd worked really hard, why was I diluting it?! Thanks Esther.
Katie you are a badass DreamGirl... and badass DreamGirls don't say sorry. unless they've stepped on your foot.
And sorry's evil twin, "just"...If I could just have a moment...I was just wondering... I just need to ask...
Let's all say no to bloody just.
JUST!! fuck
100% agree. I now live in the US (but am English) and have had to severely train myself out of constantly apologising at work and in work emails - not only does it predispose people to think your work is rubbish, as you say - it's also super time wasting in meetings and casts a pall over your abilities and ideas. I think a clarifying moment was when I was in a meeting with mostly american people, me and one British consultant woman. Everything she said was preceded by "this is probably a terrible idea, but maybe I could run it by you all anyway ...", "sorry, but could I just add something, even if it's no good, might be worth hearing...", "sorry, but I think it might actually be better if we ..." (all of these about things she was the only expert on in the meeting). I saw how it looked on the outside, and it's not good. It's an ongoing battle though... I still have to rewrite emails constantly. And I still apologise reflexively if someone treads on my foot or whatever! oh well!
I deleted ‘let me know if you need any tweaks’ when I filed today and got an instant glowing reply and login details to the payment system. Never let them see your weakness!
why would they need any tweaks? your work is excellent as you are a responsible and professional person
EXACTLY
Really good advice.
I'm totally with you on the sorry thing. I make a point especially at work to check emails and draft work and weed out unwarranted apologies, self-deprecation, and those undermining, self-minimising "justs" that creep in: "'I'm just sending this..."/"I'm just wondering ...."/"Could I just check...". Oh, and I've also had pityriasis rosea twice and it is not nice. Sending you all the healing vibes!
thank you! I'm ignoring it and hoping it will go away soonish
This is terrific. I am terrible for this, and yet, yes, I try and make sure my daughter isn’t constantly apologetic. It makes you instantly smaller but I can’t seem to help it, despite feeling this every time. My son would rather come food shopping with me than email a teacher. Even if it’s a small question of clarification he would do anything to avoid it.
I was about to start a message with sorry and stopped myself after reading this.