Stop saying sorry
don't teach your girls to say sorry either
A fascinating innovation in modern school life is that students can now email their teachers. This is a situation so bursting with comic potential that one day I want to do a post made up only of the funniest emails any of my teacher-readers have received from students.
But for now, this is the reason why I found Kitty paused at a laptop, having to email her teacher.
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll start with ‘Dear Ms Smith, Sorry but…”
NO! I said. Never “sorry”. You are not sorry. What are you sorry for?
“Well,” said Kitty, “She said I could change the topic of my ‘persuasive speech’ and so I’m changing it.”
That’s not something to be sorry for, though. You are not sorry. You are taking her up on her kind and perfectly reasonable offer. We wrote the email to Ms Smith together, making it polite and grateful, without once using the word ‘sorry’ or apologising for anything.
I go out of my way to avoid saying ‘sorry’ and I lecture others, usually women, but sometimes men, not to say sorry either, at least not in that knee-jerk way where every second word feels like it’s ‘sorry’. Unless you have absolutely, definitely done something wrong or shady or incompetent there is no need to say ‘sorry’.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I embarked on my freelance career was from Giles, who said, “Never apologise when you are filing copy. Never say ‘this is a bit patchy’ or ‘not sure the ending works’. Just say ‘here’s the copy, thanks’.” It was amazing advice and I have passed it on many times.
The impetus to say ‘sorry’ all the time comes from a good place, or at least a very insecure place - you are constantly reaching for affirmation. But if you declare that your work is substandard as you hand it in, your editor will not think, ‘Poor duck, she’s done such a brilliant job - and she’s so humble about it!’ They will think, ‘Why the hell is she filing me this if it’s no good? Now I’ve got to spend my precious time cleaning up this mess when I would like to be buying cat-eye sunglasses on the Other Stories website.’
The editor will rake the pieces for these patchy bits you say there are and present you with problems that aren’t there, and all because you said it was no good. If you had filed the same piece saying, ‘thanks, this was fun’ you will find that, mysteriously, there are no problems with your copy.
It’s the same if you just say sorry all the time in non-work settings. You are reaching for affirmation, but it makes you out to be a weak and incompetent person, even if you aren’t. Women are on the back foot from the start when it comes to garnering respect from society, even from each other. If you say sorry all the time, it makes it so much harder to scrape precious respect towards yourself. People don’t like you for it.
I was really surprised that Kitty had this instinct to start her email with ‘sorry’ when she hadn’t done anything except be a diligent student. I bet you a billion quid my son has never started a school email with ‘Sorry’. It confirms to me that so much gendered behaviour just sort of crystallises out of thin air. Kitty has never been taught to be overly apologetic or nice beyond just being polite, I certainly don’t model the constant ‘sorry’ to her. Where has it come from?
Anyway that’s today’s lecture. Further news on my turning into a monster of Greek myth and legend: I have caught, for the second time in my life, pityriasis rosea, which is a virus-based rash too dull even to have a fun name like “Housewives rash” or “tennis rash”. It is a painless, unsightly rash, that itches very badly but only occasionally. It is self-limiting, which means it goes away on its own, is confined to the torso and looks like hundreds of tiny red bites.
I first had it when I was about 23. At the time I was going out with a rather prissy, germ-phobe photographer who was obsessed with the idea that it was contagious, (it isn’t), leading me to have to say “It’s not catching” audibly into my mobile phone on a busy bus.
Ah, youth. I think when I was a smooth-skinned baby of 23 it probably looked romantic. Now I look like a warning poster in an airport arrivals lounge.
Where are you on being sorry, not sorry? Are you a teacher who receives hilarious emails from students? Please leave an amusing comment in the handy box below.
Giles’ advice reminded me of Nigella’s advice when serving food. Never apologise and say things like “oh sorry if it’s a bit cold” or “this needed more chilli “. It ruins the meal, the ambience everything. Don’t food critic your own food.
I mainly slam it down anyway in a red faced huff.
This is SO important - particularly for girls to learn. I also feel this way about the ‘be kind’ slogan thrust upon (mostly) young girls. Emblazoned across t shirts etc.
I tell my daughter (who is naturally eager to please) - No. Don’t be kind. Don’t be unkind , but just be neutral . Kindness is an act that is deserved - not a general state of being.