I’ve been informed (casually and quite emphatically) many many many MANY times that the thing standing in my way, as an actor, is/was/is my weight. This sounds like I’m obese. I’m not. I’m a UK size 14 (so just HOLLYWOOD HUGE). So for me, the promise of success is linked ONLY to weight. I’ve always suspected it’s a lie and perhaps that’s why I haven’t been able to get unhappy enough to test the theory? On the other hand, I do understand the need for enticing visuals on camera.. and so the circle of confusion continues
Weight, I don’t struggle with because I lost a lot by being ill and it was so shit, I really don’t care about being a bit fat.
However. My PhD finishes at the end of this year and I am already trying to shore up against the inevitable despair of emptiness… I’ll write a book, I’ll write three books, I’ll keep going because to stop is to collapse.
I say this very much aware of my own participation in this economy….
But - in addition to simply being a human / hedonic baseline thing - isn’t it because we’re taught that womanhood, or maybe I mean femininity, is an unwinnable quest? So one project is “fixed,” but, nature abhors an anxiety vacuum, so check out your now slumped arse?
I have been thinking about this in relation to my slap column. I want it to signal joy, escapism, a source of girlish creativity. But, what if the cumulative effect is: “The doer upper than is Project You requires constant vigilance. Behold, every week I find a new area in which you / I / all of us fail”?
Summarised: We all have a baseline for happiness and even when we hit our highs, or lows we will return to that baseline. What we need to do is make out baseline higher.
There is one sentence that apparently has been shown to help increase that baseline, especially if we say it (and believe it I guess) to ourselves as often as possible.
"These are the good days"
I guess it means that there is not one single goal that will solve everything, its all the little things that add up and it is about being grateful for what we do have whilst still aiming higher.
This is very controversial but when I’m at my thinnest (which isn’t very thin, BMI circa 21) I feel great because even if everything else is going to hell in a handcart at least I look good, my clothes fit nicely and I don’t feel bloated.
My grandma used to say "be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it and then where would you be?" I used to roll my eyes behind her back thinking she was just disillusioned with her own life. But now I realise she was so very wise in her warning because more often than not when I have achieved the thing I have wished for, staved for, competed for, convinced it would completely enhance my life, I am disillusioned, disappointed, and then self sabotage to make myself/challenge myself to achieve it again or surpass it. Never ending cycle.
I do relate because a few years ago after a horrendous bout of food poisoning I was my dream weight accidentally, but guess what, I still felt the same! I don’t know if this is the right thing to say, but actually my daughter growing up has been validating for me, in that we both have the same curvy shape. I think she’s gorgeous, and actually that gave me a lot of body acceptance. I wouldn’t say any of this to her though because we don’t talk about our bodies in that way, just about feeling good. Someone else mentioned Jonny Wilkinson but he’s been really vocal about where he was after achieving his life’s ambition after his England drop goal.
I'm late to the party but totally agree about children - bit niche but I wasn't a big fan of my chin until my son came along with the same chin and it's totally beautiful on him.
I heard that saying ‘No matter where you go, there you are’ again recently and have been reflecting on it because I’m living away from my home country & often think all my problems would be solved if I moved back. I think the same applies for outward ‘self improvement’? There’s always something else to be ‘fixed’, the key is probably to find some kind of self acceptance in what you have here and now, that’s the real challenge (one I’m not sure I’ve graduated to yet).
I work with people having issues with alcohol/drugs and how to embrace a recovery path. The main question I ask at the start is ‘why’. Then we work on that. Motivational Interviewing therapy
This puts me in mind of a book I was recommended - the 5 types of wealth. The author says that we should think about our global wealth in terms of:
Money
Time
Social
Health
Growth
He says, on money, when asked, most people say that “enough” is roughly 3 x what they have - no matter how much they already have. The person with 20k savings would like 60-80k whilst the one with 30m would like 90-100m.
I kind of feel like losing “enough” weight comes from the same playbook. And actually perhaps the celebs oiling up for photoshoots really is the answer- in the way that if one was to determine financial “enoughness” they then act on it (retire, buy a home, throw a party, whatever).
I somehow got thin in time for Halloween 2 years ago and to celebrate I bought a skintight neck to ankle black dress and was a slutty witch at my childrens’ party. Then Xmas hit and I’ve never got round to shedding that half stone again.
This strikes home. When I was young and battling my 'weight problem' (no problem at all, but in the 70's and 80's we all had a mostly imaginary one) sometimes people would say things like 'don't get too thin, you'll look ill/scrawny'. I thought they were jealous and carried on with my bizarre eating plans from magazines. Now I look back a photos of those days and guess what? They were right.
Luckily my daughter and her friends are unemotional about food, have no issues around it, and hence stay within the normal range. I do get called an 'almond mom' sometimes. Look it up if you don't know what that is, it is both funny and tragic.
Being a criminal barrister is 5 minutes of relief/elation when you get the verdict you want and 5 days/weeks/months (or, if you're really unlucky, years) of self-reproach when you don't.
I was skinny all my childhood, teenage and early 20 years. I was also fairly unhappy and had a healthy unhealthy relationship with caffeine & various substances. But, remained skinny. Then I met my future husband, found a sense of peace & ‘happiness’ & got plump. My dad,
bless his cottons, one memorable visit home with said boyfriend, pointed to a photo he had put on the mantelpiece, which I’d taken of myself after a 3 day bender when I’d had no sleep & certainly no food, and told my boyfriend wistfully that that was when I was ‘skinny & interesting’. Obviously I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to be skinny and thus interesting again. Thanks Dad.
This!!!! I did Slimming World a few years ago and was nearly at my target weight (a number I’d plucked out of thin air as being acceptable) but I was totally miserable. One day my husband casually asked what I was expecting to happen when I hit this magical number and it made me realise that I’d still have all the same issues but I’d just weigh a bit less. I threw out all the Slimming World stuff and worked on accepting that my body is fit & healthy instead - it’s a work in progress!
Boy did I! After struggling through my husband's years of addiction, during which time life at home with one and then two small children was extremely challenging on top of being treated horribly, I thought a healthy relationship would be the solution to all life's problems. After we separated, I found a lovely man - online! - tall, handsome, good job, great with kids, adored me. For a little while life was indeed much easier. Then slowly the sparkle and fizz of the new relationship wore off, and I was able to recognize that, while he was indeed a lovely man, life with two small children was still extremely challenging. And while our partnership made logistics easier, the physical and emotional load in aggregate were still tremendous - and on top of it I had a grown-up relationship to nurture, which, while vastly different to navigating a dysfunctional marriage, still required quite a lot of work. I found I was bizarrely no happier! This was a real shock. After much internal struggle I chucked the lovely man. Life is still hard - harder, probably, considering the logistical challenges of single motherhood and the financial challenges given my ex can't contribute child support - but I am happier being able to focus on my children and on my work, which I can dedicate more time to without the added juggle of a partner to prioritise. It's the oddest thing. Now if only I could get rid of my muffin top...
Nothing to do with being thin as I have a muffin top I am absolutely living with now. But I have just self-published my first book, something I have wanted to do forever, and when the beautiful copies arrived on Saturday, I put all the boxes in the garage, closed the door and couldn’t look at them….
I’ve been informed (casually and quite emphatically) many many many MANY times that the thing standing in my way, as an actor, is/was/is my weight. This sounds like I’m obese. I’m not. I’m a UK size 14 (so just HOLLYWOOD HUGE). So for me, the promise of success is linked ONLY to weight. I’ve always suspected it’s a lie and perhaps that’s why I haven’t been able to get unhappy enough to test the theory? On the other hand, I do understand the need for enticing visuals on camera.. and so the circle of confusion continues
Weight, I don’t struggle with because I lost a lot by being ill and it was so shit, I really don’t care about being a bit fat.
However. My PhD finishes at the end of this year and I am already trying to shore up against the inevitable despair of emptiness… I’ll write a book, I’ll write three books, I’ll keep going because to stop is to collapse.
I say this very much aware of my own participation in this economy….
But - in addition to simply being a human / hedonic baseline thing - isn’t it because we’re taught that womanhood, or maybe I mean femininity, is an unwinnable quest? So one project is “fixed,” but, nature abhors an anxiety vacuum, so check out your now slumped arse?
I have been thinking about this in relation to my slap column. I want it to signal joy, escapism, a source of girlish creativity. But, what if the cumulative effect is: “The doer upper than is Project You requires constant vigilance. Behold, every week I find a new area in which you / I / all of us fail”?
Not about being thin/losing weight. But more about the " is it enough?" question.
Hannah Fry summed it up in two minutes. Not sure if the link will work.
https://www.tiktok.com/@fryrsquared/video/7364447625929657632
Summarised: We all have a baseline for happiness and even when we hit our highs, or lows we will return to that baseline. What we need to do is make out baseline higher.
There is one sentence that apparently has been shown to help increase that baseline, especially if we say it (and believe it I guess) to ourselves as often as possible.
"These are the good days"
I guess it means that there is not one single goal that will solve everything, its all the little things that add up and it is about being grateful for what we do have whilst still aiming higher.
This is very controversial but when I’m at my thinnest (which isn’t very thin, BMI circa 21) I feel great because even if everything else is going to hell in a handcart at least I look good, my clothes fit nicely and I don’t feel bloated.
My grandma used to say "be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it and then where would you be?" I used to roll my eyes behind her back thinking she was just disillusioned with her own life. But now I realise she was so very wise in her warning because more often than not when I have achieved the thing I have wished for, staved for, competed for, convinced it would completely enhance my life, I am disillusioned, disappointed, and then self sabotage to make myself/challenge myself to achieve it again or surpass it. Never ending cycle.
I do relate because a few years ago after a horrendous bout of food poisoning I was my dream weight accidentally, but guess what, I still felt the same! I don’t know if this is the right thing to say, but actually my daughter growing up has been validating for me, in that we both have the same curvy shape. I think she’s gorgeous, and actually that gave me a lot of body acceptance. I wouldn’t say any of this to her though because we don’t talk about our bodies in that way, just about feeling good. Someone else mentioned Jonny Wilkinson but he’s been really vocal about where he was after achieving his life’s ambition after his England drop goal.
I'm late to the party but totally agree about children - bit niche but I wasn't a big fan of my chin until my son came along with the same chin and it's totally beautiful on him.
That is lovely - validation through seeing your gorgeousness reflected back at you
I heard that saying ‘No matter where you go, there you are’ again recently and have been reflecting on it because I’m living away from my home country & often think all my problems would be solved if I moved back. I think the same applies for outward ‘self improvement’? There’s always something else to be ‘fixed’, the key is probably to find some kind of self acceptance in what you have here and now, that’s the real challenge (one I’m not sure I’ve graduated to yet).
I work with people having issues with alcohol/drugs and how to embrace a recovery path. The main question I ask at the start is ‘why’. Then we work on that. Motivational Interviewing therapy
This puts me in mind of a book I was recommended - the 5 types of wealth. The author says that we should think about our global wealth in terms of:
Money
Time
Social
Health
Growth
He says, on money, when asked, most people say that “enough” is roughly 3 x what they have - no matter how much they already have. The person with 20k savings would like 60-80k whilst the one with 30m would like 90-100m.
I kind of feel like losing “enough” weight comes from the same playbook. And actually perhaps the celebs oiling up for photoshoots really is the answer- in the way that if one was to determine financial “enoughness” they then act on it (retire, buy a home, throw a party, whatever).
I somehow got thin in time for Halloween 2 years ago and to celebrate I bought a skintight neck to ankle black dress and was a slutty witch at my childrens’ party. Then Xmas hit and I’ve never got round to shedding that half stone again.
This strikes home. When I was young and battling my 'weight problem' (no problem at all, but in the 70's and 80's we all had a mostly imaginary one) sometimes people would say things like 'don't get too thin, you'll look ill/scrawny'. I thought they were jealous and carried on with my bizarre eating plans from magazines. Now I look back a photos of those days and guess what? They were right.
Luckily my daughter and her friends are unemotional about food, have no issues around it, and hence stay within the normal range. I do get called an 'almond mom' sometimes. Look it up if you don't know what that is, it is both funny and tragic.
Being a criminal barrister is 5 minutes of relief/elation when you get the verdict you want and 5 days/weeks/months (or, if you're really unlucky, years) of self-reproach when you don't.
I was skinny all my childhood, teenage and early 20 years. I was also fairly unhappy and had a healthy unhealthy relationship with caffeine & various substances. But, remained skinny. Then I met my future husband, found a sense of peace & ‘happiness’ & got plump. My dad,
bless his cottons, one memorable visit home with said boyfriend, pointed to a photo he had put on the mantelpiece, which I’d taken of myself after a 3 day bender when I’d had no sleep & certainly no food, and told my boyfriend wistfully that that was when I was ‘skinny & interesting’. Obviously I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to be skinny and thus interesting again. Thanks Dad.
This!!!! I did Slimming World a few years ago and was nearly at my target weight (a number I’d plucked out of thin air as being acceptable) but I was totally miserable. One day my husband casually asked what I was expecting to happen when I hit this magical number and it made me realise that I’d still have all the same issues but I’d just weigh a bit less. I threw out all the Slimming World stuff and worked on accepting that my body is fit & healthy instead - it’s a work in progress!
Boy did I! After struggling through my husband's years of addiction, during which time life at home with one and then two small children was extremely challenging on top of being treated horribly, I thought a healthy relationship would be the solution to all life's problems. After we separated, I found a lovely man - online! - tall, handsome, good job, great with kids, adored me. For a little while life was indeed much easier. Then slowly the sparkle and fizz of the new relationship wore off, and I was able to recognize that, while he was indeed a lovely man, life with two small children was still extremely challenging. And while our partnership made logistics easier, the physical and emotional load in aggregate were still tremendous - and on top of it I had a grown-up relationship to nurture, which, while vastly different to navigating a dysfunctional marriage, still required quite a lot of work. I found I was bizarrely no happier! This was a real shock. After much internal struggle I chucked the lovely man. Life is still hard - harder, probably, considering the logistical challenges of single motherhood and the financial challenges given my ex can't contribute child support - but I am happier being able to focus on my children and on my work, which I can dedicate more time to without the added juggle of a partner to prioritise. It's the oddest thing. Now if only I could get rid of my muffin top...
this is fascinating!!! I LOVE this
Nothing to do with being thin as I have a muffin top I am absolutely living with now. But I have just self-published my first book, something I have wanted to do forever, and when the beautiful copies arrived on Saturday, I put all the boxes in the garage, closed the door and couldn’t look at them….
oh god books are a whole other level of anti climactic nightmare