I’m listening to this in half-hour increments to and from the barn and from my mother’s house. Mom is in the mild stage of Alzheimer’s, and likes to be in control. Two things that don’t go well together. I can imagine situations where ‘Let Them’ wouldn’t work. And, it is already helping me a great deal in handling my mother’s personality shifts and other behaviors. The “and let me…” part is imperative for me. In a hard and sometimes heartbreaking situation with mom, it does allow me the freedom to keep both of us safe while not taking her behavior as a personal attack or worry about what others might be thinking. This is my first exposure to Mel Robins and while it’s a ridiculously simple concept, I absolutely appreciate the reminder of what is and isn’t mine to control, and the peace it’s bringing me on this wild Alzheimer’s journey with my mom.
I’m familiar and a fan. As someone who takes a lot of things too personally and who is uber-controlling about pretty much everything in my life I am trying to follow the Let Them theory. I don’t feel that this means I am a walk over. It means if someone is mean, I let them be mean, and don’t see or talk to them again. (A very simplistic example I know). I baulk at the Let Them tattoo though 😜
P.S. and if your child doesn’t want to do homework endless nagging won’t change that…just saying
It’s not a bad mantra to keep in mind but there really are many more cases than the 3 ‘exceptions’ Mel mentions when it either doesn’t or just can’t work. So it has its limits.
I also believe that what we really need is practical advice for when we can’t just ‘let them’. And also to accept that many of the elements we are trying to control - whilst indeed not being under our control - are still NOT OK so it’s not ok to just ‘let them’. An example is my tween finding her way onto Tiktok (banned in our house) at a friend’s house. I’m not particularly controlling but I do think Tiktok is all kinds of bad for impressionable young people. In this situation it’s not about not letting HER and more about not letting Tiktok put harmful content out there for kids to find in the first place. Oh god maybe I’m rambling now. But I get it.
We really didn’t need a whole book on this. But yeah like I say - def a time and place for this practice.
Pretty much any self-help book can be useful if you're in a state where you need to use them. But every single one of them is at best an essay, just stretched by 200+ pages of awful, frequently unhinged, filler. For a delightful take on these and other airport bestsellers (Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Tipping Point, Atomic Habits, Rich Dad Poor Dad) check out the If Books Could Kill Podcast. Cannot recommend highly enough.
Isn’t this otherwise known as ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ which has been a mantra for years and is nothing new to anyone but totally depends on the situation, the person involved, your mood at the time etc etc… I feel like my granny would be rolling her eyes at it all tbh and I’d be in agreement!
I think Let Them is probably great if you have the bandwidth to let other people deal with the shit you don’t want to/ have to deal with. Sadly I don’t, and therefore am trying to be much firmer about letting other people know what I expect from them, and also not running to rescue them if they do muck things up. I don’t have kids, so even though it’s not easy, it’s easier than it would be for lots of women.
There was a great interview with Simon Amstel recently about him seeing his unpleasant father, and how he had about 30 minutes before he got infected with the unpleasantness ( I paraphrase here, do look it up because it’s true and funny). And yep I’m at the stage of life where I just can’t be arsed to spend time or energy on people who can’t or won’t reciprocate. Minimising interactions with people who make me feel not-good has been a good move even when it does feel uncomfortable to do initially.
The problem with Let Them is that the consequences so often land at our feet- specifically us as mums. If the kid doesn’t C want to do homework (mine doesn’t) and fails her exams do I think ‘what a great life lesson’? No. But what about if my emotionally illiterate husband is being dense about our tricky 13 yr old? He hates me stepping in but I’m doing it for their relationship. Should I just let him? I’ll be the one calming her down and reasoning with him.
So interesting reading all the comments. Years ago I read a book called ‘write it down make it happen’ at a low point in my career. I’ll save you all the read. Hundreds of pages saying guess what? Yes, you guessed it - write something down and make it happen… A whole book on ‘let them?!!!’ NO. I’m a little worried by any therapists rec’ing her as counsellors shouldn’t give advice. (I’m fully trained not practicing at the moment). My big motto is that we cannot control what others do - only our reactions to them… Let them absolves responsibility which, as a parent you can’t! So let them sounds good, like those light things that promise no bags under eyes if you use them, but in reality - snake oil.
Find her incredibly irritating and reading the comments I hadn’t heard about the possible plagiarism so like her even less. She says so many words without saying anything so I haven’t been inclined to read her book. But thinking of phrases, one we tend to say in our house is ‘you do you.’ I guess it’s an acceptance that we do things differently, I’m way more relaxed about this than when I was younger and kids were younger. And for the kids (and us as well) just because someone is unfair/ unkind you don’t need to behave that way, just be you. Prefer this to just let them do it…
In general I try to live by the ‘not my circus not my monkeys’ approach to life which is sort of ‘let them’ but only when it is truly neither my circus nor my monkeys. If I took the ‘let them’ approach to parenting (very much my monkeys) my teenager wouldn’t have washed since Christmas, the house would be a pigsty, and nobody would have done any homework.
When I first heard about this, I thought it sounded like Stoicism repackaged. I haven't read it, but can highly recommend The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman, which has many of the same ideas (as I understand it).
I loved her about 18 months ago - she had a few good simple ideas that I passed on . But she , not unexlectedly , has worked it up into a big brand and I miss the down to earth scatty Mel R . To me her time was quite a few months ago now 🤷🏼♀️
I've just read the book and I'm on the fence. In many ways, it offers absolutely nothing new. There are a few words of wisdom that I'll try to hold onto but overall it's too 'American' in tone - there's a lot of therapy / motivational speak in there and I think she's taken a very basic concept and packaged it up like a brand new idea, making loads of money in the process. Good luck to her I guess!
Kudos to her but I’m NOT one to follow these Mantra Gurus. Along with Steven Bartlett… horses for courses… and no I don’t need to read the book like the masses I can smell what’s in it from
I’m listening to this in half-hour increments to and from the barn and from my mother’s house. Mom is in the mild stage of Alzheimer’s, and likes to be in control. Two things that don’t go well together. I can imagine situations where ‘Let Them’ wouldn’t work. And, it is already helping me a great deal in handling my mother’s personality shifts and other behaviors. The “and let me…” part is imperative for me. In a hard and sometimes heartbreaking situation with mom, it does allow me the freedom to keep both of us safe while not taking her behavior as a personal attack or worry about what others might be thinking. This is my first exposure to Mel Robins and while it’s a ridiculously simple concept, I absolutely appreciate the reminder of what is and isn’t mine to control, and the peace it’s bringing me on this wild Alzheimer’s journey with my mom.
I’m familiar and a fan. As someone who takes a lot of things too personally and who is uber-controlling about pretty much everything in my life I am trying to follow the Let Them theory. I don’t feel that this means I am a walk over. It means if someone is mean, I let them be mean, and don’t see or talk to them again. (A very simplistic example I know). I baulk at the Let Them tattoo though 😜
P.S. and if your child doesn’t want to do homework endless nagging won’t change that…just saying
Yes this.
It’s not a bad mantra to keep in mind but there really are many more cases than the 3 ‘exceptions’ Mel mentions when it either doesn’t or just can’t work. So it has its limits.
I also believe that what we really need is practical advice for when we can’t just ‘let them’. And also to accept that many of the elements we are trying to control - whilst indeed not being under our control - are still NOT OK so it’s not ok to just ‘let them’. An example is my tween finding her way onto Tiktok (banned in our house) at a friend’s house. I’m not particularly controlling but I do think Tiktok is all kinds of bad for impressionable young people. In this situation it’s not about not letting HER and more about not letting Tiktok put harmful content out there for kids to find in the first place. Oh god maybe I’m rambling now. But I get it.
We really didn’t need a whole book on this. But yeah like I say - def a time and place for this practice.
‘Fume about this for years’. Giggling. Never forget 🤣
Pretty much any self-help book can be useful if you're in a state where you need to use them. But every single one of them is at best an essay, just stretched by 200+ pages of awful, frequently unhinged, filler. For a delightful take on these and other airport bestsellers (Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Tipping Point, Atomic Habits, Rich Dad Poor Dad) check out the If Books Could Kill Podcast. Cannot recommend highly enough.
Isn’t this otherwise known as ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ which has been a mantra for years and is nothing new to anyone but totally depends on the situation, the person involved, your mood at the time etc etc… I feel like my granny would be rolling her eyes at it all tbh and I’d be in agreement!
I think Let Them is probably great if you have the bandwidth to let other people deal with the shit you don’t want to/ have to deal with. Sadly I don’t, and therefore am trying to be much firmer about letting other people know what I expect from them, and also not running to rescue them if they do muck things up. I don’t have kids, so even though it’s not easy, it’s easier than it would be for lots of women.
There was a great interview with Simon Amstel recently about him seeing his unpleasant father, and how he had about 30 minutes before he got infected with the unpleasantness ( I paraphrase here, do look it up because it’s true and funny). And yep I’m at the stage of life where I just can’t be arsed to spend time or energy on people who can’t or won’t reciprocate. Minimising interactions with people who make me feel not-good has been a good move even when it does feel uncomfortable to do initially.
Loved that interview - think it was on Miss Me wasn’t it. Him and Miquita have a nice vibe together
The problem with Let Them is that the consequences so often land at our feet- specifically us as mums. If the kid doesn’t C want to do homework (mine doesn’t) and fails her exams do I think ‘what a great life lesson’? No. But what about if my emotionally illiterate husband is being dense about our tricky 13 yr old? He hates me stepping in but I’m doing it for their relationship. Should I just let him? I’ll be the one calming her down and reasoning with him.
It’s just Not so clear cut
Yes!!! This. Nail on head.
So interesting reading all the comments. Years ago I read a book called ‘write it down make it happen’ at a low point in my career. I’ll save you all the read. Hundreds of pages saying guess what? Yes, you guessed it - write something down and make it happen… A whole book on ‘let them?!!!’ NO. I’m a little worried by any therapists rec’ing her as counsellors shouldn’t give advice. (I’m fully trained not practicing at the moment). My big motto is that we cannot control what others do - only our reactions to them… Let them absolves responsibility which, as a parent you can’t! So let them sounds good, like those light things that promise no bags under eyes if you use them, but in reality - snake oil.
Find her incredibly irritating and reading the comments I hadn’t heard about the possible plagiarism so like her even less. She says so many words without saying anything so I haven’t been inclined to read her book. But thinking of phrases, one we tend to say in our house is ‘you do you.’ I guess it’s an acceptance that we do things differently, I’m way more relaxed about this than when I was younger and kids were younger. And for the kids (and us as well) just because someone is unfair/ unkind you don’t need to behave that way, just be you. Prefer this to just let them do it…
In general I try to live by the ‘not my circus not my monkeys’ approach to life which is sort of ‘let them’ but only when it is truly neither my circus nor my monkeys. If I took the ‘let them’ approach to parenting (very much my monkeys) my teenager wouldn’t have washed since Christmas, the house would be a pigsty, and nobody would have done any homework.
Not my pig, not my farm. told to me by a school dad. Love it!
When I first heard about this, I thought it sounded like Stoicism repackaged. I haven't read it, but can highly recommend The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman, which has many of the same ideas (as I understand it).
Twinned with Captain Tom's daughter on integrity and guru grifter gene.
https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/captain-tom-daughter-time-to-move-on-breaks-silence-charity/
I loved her about 18 months ago - she had a few good simple ideas that I passed on . But she , not unexlectedly , has worked it up into a big brand and I miss the down to earth scatty Mel R . To me her time was quite a few months ago now 🤷🏼♀️
I've just read the book and I'm on the fence. In many ways, it offers absolutely nothing new. There are a few words of wisdom that I'll try to hold onto but overall it's too 'American' in tone - there's a lot of therapy / motivational speak in there and I think she's taken a very basic concept and packaged it up like a brand new idea, making loads of money in the process. Good luck to her I guess!
Kudos to her but I’m NOT one to follow these Mantra Gurus. Along with Steven Bartlett… horses for courses… and no I don’t need to read the book like the masses I can smell what’s in it from
A mile away!!!