If U don't wan returns

... make ur damn shops nicer

Fuck ME! I went into town the other day because I haven’t been for ages and it’s nice to gawp at what the Ladies In Town are wearing if nothing else and, omigod, it was a hellscape.

Shops are awful, confusing, windowless, sweaty prisons; people are animals; shop assistants actively try to stop you from buying shit. I asked an assistant if I could have a pair of shoes in a size 5 - while smiling - and she said, audibly, “Urgh.” She looked very sweaty and unwell and I think was possibly on a nasty comedown.

Oh yes I didn’t mention - I was in town on a Monday, (so no-one had had a chance to restock after the tweeny locusts had rampaged through on the weekend), and all the assistants were maybe on nasty comedowns, come to think of it, and it was also the sales, which is never pretty.

But still. If you live somewhere remote and ever feel envious that I can be in Oxford Circus in 20 mins DON’T BE. Stop right there, amigo. It is stinking carnage, it is the world after the fall of Babel, it is Sodom and Gomorrah.

Zara announced recently that it will start charging for returns - £1.95, not a fortune - but it is a miniscule price to pay, if you ask me, for dodging the Soup. If you want us to stop buying online make your shops nicer! Particularly Zara - damn, that place is awful. Although on reflection, the online iteration is arguably worse.

Back to my point. I was also in town because readers often send me emails saying “Please do a What to Wear post”. I am reluctant to do What to Wear posts because I think you probably have enough clothes already. I mean it! You only want to go shopping because you are trying to fix inside problems with outside solutions and it doesn’t work, sister! Spend the money on a therapist instead.

But, I will point you in the direction of one or two things to freshen you up for the summer as long as you understand that you do not actually need any of this.

1 If you don’t have a pair of Teva “Midform” sandals already, get some. They will make whatever else you are wearing look very modern.

2 Consider a pair of high-waisted jeans in off-white or “ecru”. Dazzling white is not the thing. These are not easy to find. I have in fact yet to find a good pair, but I mean something like this or this. If they are good round your middle, (and the front pockets don't show through the fabric, which from what I’ve seen will be a miracle), then you can sort out the hems at your nearest dry-cleaner.

3 If not white, then consider a high waisted pale blue wide jean.

4 The thing to wear on a European beach this year is a shorts-and-shirt set, preferably in linen, like this. I’m not sure about it myself, but I don’t make the rules. They look to me like shortie pyjamas and as such I am not investing in a linen set but taking an actual pale blue shortie pyjama set with me to Greece from Bodas (the website is down so I can't link to it). This set is also fun if you’re feeling wealthy. The idea is that you match your swimsuit to the shortie set. I have seen this done and it does, in fact, look very chic - wear a one-piece and then leave the shirt mostly or completely unbuttoned.

5 Visors are in, as are baseball caps. Panama hats are out.

6 Kaftans are super out.

7 Short sleeve, boxy cropped white shirts are in. I spent about a bajillion quid on one from Bella Dahl only to be confronted by many perfectly okay dupes while shopping. Particularly one from Stories, but it doesn’t seem to be online - ruining entirely my theory that IRL shops are shit!!! - but look out for one while you’re browsing.

8 Shoes: everyone seems to be wearing Vejas, though I still suspect them to be uncomfortable. I saw a very fashionable woman sitting outside Vogue house wearing some jazzy Nike Air Max 90s but personally I have got a new pair of Stan Smiths on order, having worn an actual hole in my Reeboks. I know, Reeboks! It was a vibe while it lasted.

Always remember: when you try something on, if it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a hell no.

That’s all I’m giving you because I don’t want to enable your psychologically unstable slide into penury.

YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THIS.