I have read and appreciated all of these comments, thank you so much. I am following up on many of your excellent suggestions and thinking carefully about all your experiences. In writing this I've realised that so, so many people are in the same boat - one person commented "it's because modern life isn't fit for purpose", which I thought was pretty profound. (Although I'm sure our ancestors, being chased by wolves, gathering berries and cobnuts for dinner and constantly nearly dying from infected cuts, were probably subject to quite a lot of anxiety, too.)
I was on 10mg of Citrolapram for depression; only a weaning dose but it seemed to keep me on the straight and narrow, so to speak. I had a full mental collapse in November and the doctor upped my dosage to 20mg. After 2 weeks I was no longer depressed, but I also noticed that the pounding heart and full on panic I used to have if I woke up in the middle of night is no longer there either.
Hey Esther, I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through this. I have had some very scary moments since I had kids and this year = well last year decided to try everything - medication, CBT and actually do what I was told rather than pretend to do everything. Well the only thing I do know is that someone wrote a book called The Depressive Cure and he says you need to do 6 things. Firstly we need to go back to being part of a community - kinda like cavemen, we live in a world of flight and fight and we never get our level into the normal range - it is stuck - thats me. I hate it as it affects everything in my life including my marriage, relationship with friends, relationship with my kids, ability to work etc. I feel like such a let down to everyone and pull out of things socially at the last minute as I am so darn tired all the time that I just can't cope socially anymore. Anyway I can't remember everything he said as I was listening to a podcast and have his book on order - will keep you posted. We are all here with you and although I would never tell my friends what I have told you, it is important to talk. Even if it is to someone I don't know - like you - on the internet. x Just looked it up what i had ordered and it is The Depression Cure - is better to listen to a pod cast first though
I have been taking 25mg Aropax (I think it's called Paxil in UK) every day for years....life changing. Just keeps me on an even keel, and makes the world and my life less anxiety ridden. Drugs DO work, and a good doctor will find the one that works for you.
One more thing I wanted to add in response to this:
“ I recovered-ish after a few months but I fear a terrible neurological-pathway cortisol-y thing has been set in motion”
I’ve had probably 3-4 major anxiety episodes (like the one you describe) over the course of 25 years, and have fully recovered every time. Last time with meds, times before without. So I just wanted to reassure you that your brain isn’t permanently changed, just a bit battered at the moment.
A book I found really helpful is “Wintering: The power of rest and retreat in difficult times “
which is about times in your life when you take a major knock. These could be mental health or other, but part of the cure is to take time to hunker down, rest and rejuvenate. It’s a really lovely book.
Oh Esther, so sorry to hear you are suffering. Anxiety about anxiety is extremely debilitating. I had a nervous breakdown in 2006 and have had major anxiety setbacks in 2008 and 2018, but the various methods I've found to deal with anxiety over the years have helped immensely. Coming off the implant helped me, I seem to function better without my cycle being manipulated externally (although I know this is not true for everyone), I can recommend the copper coil as a hassle free alternative if you are on mirena (although my periods are quite heavy as a result). For drugs, I found propranolol helped reduce the physical effects you describe enough for me to get help with the head stuff, but I know other people who have needed the relief of SSRIs in order to give themselves chance to sort the head stuff out. I personally found the side effects of SSRIs too terrifying for them to work for me, I was lucky and had talking therapy instead, some cbt which got me quite far and later some person centred therapy with mindfulness aspects. I second working from the body up, Dr Claire Weekes book Peace from Nervous Suffering (mentioned by someone else below) is old fashioned but brilliantly comforting on the effects of nerves on the body, and gave me faith that all the lingering effects and setbacks would pass in my darkest moments. She's particularly good on handling panic attacks. But having a therapist or friend to talk to for reassurance that anxiety is a normal response to extreme circumstances (which has usually been the starting point for my most anxious periods)and that the anxious sensations take time to resolve and will pass eventually also really helps to reduce the anxiety about anxiety stuff. Mindfulness training was the key to getting out of my last big setback and touch wood has kept me pretty much anxiety free despite the pandemic, or at least not afraid of it when it lurks in the background. So yes, for some people the drugs work, most people I know have needed talking therapy as well, and working on calming the body can help too. Thank you for posting about this, it's so important to share how common anxiety problems are, and what an amazing community you have here! I would keep trying for the therapy (I have friends who swear by online help) no matter what else you try and I'm sure you will find a way through.
You juggle so many roles Esther, and still manage to write honestly and effortlessly funnily, and always thought provokingly. I’ve no advice about drugs, but HRT helped me with the onset of anxiety pre- menopause. This is going to sound very quaint but I find traditional remedies work best: the rhythm of walking literally stills the mind, gardening, painting, (pottery?), tapestry, anything which is mildly repetitive and soothing.
Anxiety is the worst. And the anxiety about anxiety. I definitely second The Body Keeps the Score, and if you can get a talking therapist too. We’ve all been through a lot the last few years and it’s no wonder it’s making us all anxious - the world’s terrifying and the news is relentlessly grim and that’s without personal tragedies and trauma.
I definitely think meds have a place in taking the edge off crippling anxiety and mental illness, but I also think that a lot of anxiety is unresolved trauma and pain swirling about with nowhere to go. If you can attack the root then everything gets easier. I also second somatic practices like yoga, tai chi etc. x
Great post Esther- really honest and very relateable. I’m suffering with health anxiety and panic which is a joy (!) - mine has been with me since pre-babies but definitely got worse since. I’m too scared (ironically) to take any drugs so have just started on CBT for the first time in a group which I was dreading but is actually great. I’m trying to bite the bullet which is easier said than done, and start socialising and doing stuff- feel like I’m not living life properly at the moment and that needs to change. No silver bullet I don’t think, but I’m finding each thing I try chips away a little more so I’m feeling better, slowly, as the weeks go on x
And there's an article in the Times today which suggests LSD
I'd try all of them?!
Also I think freelance writing is probably the worst profession for general anxiety, alongside having a famous husband. That's not helpful to you but I think you just need to understand that anxiety is a sensible reaction to what happened this summer.
Also Mirena causes anxiety in so many of my friends. I'd be inclined to try without that first before adding meds, especially as your anxiety was worse after babies so is obviously hormone linked. X
I love your breakdown of who would recommend what! I have been recommended so many and various magic mushroom products... seems like half the world is either taking mushrooms or SSRI. I find this enormously comforting.
We've just been hit with covid, and now it's here, I'm coping OK. But the run up to Christmas, the back to school, the constant testing... it ruined me.
I have amitriptyline, which I reserve for "can't sleep, clown'll eat me" anxiety (YOU HAVE SEEN THIS EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS, YES?) and I do yoga. I do not subscribe to the woo behind yoga, but it's very GROUNDING particularly as I am autistic and anxiety is often accompanied by the feeling that I need to peel my skin off because it's so AGGRAVATING.
But if you're asking does amitriptyline work? Yes. For me, it's a hard reset, like I've been turned off and on again. I take it maybe three times a year for anxiety (I'm prescribed it for endometriosis pain) and it stops me spiralling into wild-eyed, self-harming, agoraphobic madness.
Esther firstly yay you for talking about this. Because reading all the below from all your wonderful readers is nothing but a tonic. I felt riddled with anxiety - literally on the edge every day pre lockdown. It was hormonal and I took citalopram. But physical symptoms persisted and am now on HRT. (I’m wombless so no idea what would be happening period wise). So hormonally you could easily be perimenopausal. Or dealing with trauma/old issues - and talking helps. Brain chemistry changes when we go to counselling - a safe space to unload is amazing - and yes CBT can help us be more in the moment. Headspace is a fab app too - to take ten mins a day to simply let thoughts float by like traffic… Try and see what comes first? The thought of the feeling? Stay with your breathing and try to feel see touch and smell to be present. Anxiety is a beast. But it can be tamed. Sending a huge hug. One last thing - connection is important to make us feel less alone in our fears and stresses - you have created a very supportive community here. Xx
MOODY BITCHES - the truth about the drugs your taking, the sleep your missing, the sex your not having, and what’s really making you crazy by Julie Holland.
The book is really fantastic at explaining the WHY in a very simple, easy to digest format. I highly recommend it. Knowledge is power!!!
I'm struggling to work out when general worries turn into an anxiety thing! Since having a baby nearly 3 years ago I have got more & more worried something will happen to her / me, but it isn't all the time and it isn't affecting my life / stopping me doing anything. It's just kind of THERE somewhere in the background.... is that just being a mum?!
I am sorry to hear about your anxiety. I would def explore the HRT options that people have commented about. I'd also recommend thinking about how you can alleviate the overactivity in your nervous system with a bottom-up approach. This means that, in addition to calming the anxious brain with top-down methods (talking therapy, CBT, writing etc.) also add things that calm the symptoms of anxiety in your body. This might include body-work (massage, osteopathy etc.); breath work; mindful movement (yoga, tai chi, que gong). Even if you’re not usually a fan of this kind of thing, clinical studies show that it can be helpful. I am sure someone will have already recommended it in the comments but The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent introduction to how and why this kind of intervention helps. Also, this bloke has loads of interesting and accessible info about different approaches: @theanxietymd
Like quite a few people who have commented, I too am on Citalipram and have been talking to a lovely French Therapist for 2 years now, and I can say that the combination is really Helping me. I don’t think I had ‘traditional’ anxiety, but am definitely peri menopausal and found that that the pandemic kind of accelerated some Post-natal depression (kids are still quite little: 5 and 2 !) I am pretty sure that more people take medication these days, and that’s OK; I think it’s brilliant that as a society, we’ve become more open about how we feel. Let me know if you’d like me to ask my therapist if she’s taking on clients ? XXXXXXXXXX
I have read and appreciated all of these comments, thank you so much. I am following up on many of your excellent suggestions and thinking carefully about all your experiences. In writing this I've realised that so, so many people are in the same boat - one person commented "it's because modern life isn't fit for purpose", which I thought was pretty profound. (Although I'm sure our ancestors, being chased by wolves, gathering berries and cobnuts for dinner and constantly nearly dying from infected cuts, were probably subject to quite a lot of anxiety, too.)
I was on 10mg of Citrolapram for depression; only a weaning dose but it seemed to keep me on the straight and narrow, so to speak. I had a full mental collapse in November and the doctor upped my dosage to 20mg. After 2 weeks I was no longer depressed, but I also noticed that the pounding heart and full on panic I used to have if I woke up in the middle of night is no longer there either.
Hey Esther, I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through this. I have had some very scary moments since I had kids and this year = well last year decided to try everything - medication, CBT and actually do what I was told rather than pretend to do everything. Well the only thing I do know is that someone wrote a book called The Depressive Cure and he says you need to do 6 things. Firstly we need to go back to being part of a community - kinda like cavemen, we live in a world of flight and fight and we never get our level into the normal range - it is stuck - thats me. I hate it as it affects everything in my life including my marriage, relationship with friends, relationship with my kids, ability to work etc. I feel like such a let down to everyone and pull out of things socially at the last minute as I am so darn tired all the time that I just can't cope socially anymore. Anyway I can't remember everything he said as I was listening to a podcast and have his book on order - will keep you posted. We are all here with you and although I would never tell my friends what I have told you, it is important to talk. Even if it is to someone I don't know - like you - on the internet. x Just looked it up what i had ordered and it is The Depression Cure - is better to listen to a pod cast first though
By Steve Ilardi
I have been taking 25mg Aropax (I think it's called Paxil in UK) every day for years....life changing. Just keeps me on an even keel, and makes the world and my life less anxiety ridden. Drugs DO work, and a good doctor will find the one that works for you.
Paxil in US is Paroxetine here in UK. It’s the one for me too!
One more thing I wanted to add in response to this:
“ I recovered-ish after a few months but I fear a terrible neurological-pathway cortisol-y thing has been set in motion”
I’ve had probably 3-4 major anxiety episodes (like the one you describe) over the course of 25 years, and have fully recovered every time. Last time with meds, times before without. So I just wanted to reassure you that your brain isn’t permanently changed, just a bit battered at the moment.
A book I found really helpful is “Wintering: The power of rest and retreat in difficult times “
which is about times in your life when you take a major knock. These could be mental health or other, but part of the cure is to take time to hunker down, rest and rejuvenate. It’s a really lovely book.
Yes, I second this very important point, I have also fully recovered from similar intense episodes every time.
Oh Esther, so sorry to hear you are suffering. Anxiety about anxiety is extremely debilitating. I had a nervous breakdown in 2006 and have had major anxiety setbacks in 2008 and 2018, but the various methods I've found to deal with anxiety over the years have helped immensely. Coming off the implant helped me, I seem to function better without my cycle being manipulated externally (although I know this is not true for everyone), I can recommend the copper coil as a hassle free alternative if you are on mirena (although my periods are quite heavy as a result). For drugs, I found propranolol helped reduce the physical effects you describe enough for me to get help with the head stuff, but I know other people who have needed the relief of SSRIs in order to give themselves chance to sort the head stuff out. I personally found the side effects of SSRIs too terrifying for them to work for me, I was lucky and had talking therapy instead, some cbt which got me quite far and later some person centred therapy with mindfulness aspects. I second working from the body up, Dr Claire Weekes book Peace from Nervous Suffering (mentioned by someone else below) is old fashioned but brilliantly comforting on the effects of nerves on the body, and gave me faith that all the lingering effects and setbacks would pass in my darkest moments. She's particularly good on handling panic attacks. But having a therapist or friend to talk to for reassurance that anxiety is a normal response to extreme circumstances (which has usually been the starting point for my most anxious periods)and that the anxious sensations take time to resolve and will pass eventually also really helps to reduce the anxiety about anxiety stuff. Mindfulness training was the key to getting out of my last big setback and touch wood has kept me pretty much anxiety free despite the pandemic, or at least not afraid of it when it lurks in the background. So yes, for some people the drugs work, most people I know have needed talking therapy as well, and working on calming the body can help too. Thank you for posting about this, it's so important to share how common anxiety problems are, and what an amazing community you have here! I would keep trying for the therapy (I have friends who swear by online help) no matter what else you try and I'm sure you will find a way through.
You juggle so many roles Esther, and still manage to write honestly and effortlessly funnily, and always thought provokingly. I’ve no advice about drugs, but HRT helped me with the onset of anxiety pre- menopause. This is going to sound very quaint but I find traditional remedies work best: the rhythm of walking literally stills the mind, gardening, painting, (pottery?), tapestry, anything which is mildly repetitive and soothing.
Anxiety is the worst. And the anxiety about anxiety. I definitely second The Body Keeps the Score, and if you can get a talking therapist too. We’ve all been through a lot the last few years and it’s no wonder it’s making us all anxious - the world’s terrifying and the news is relentlessly grim and that’s without personal tragedies and trauma.
I definitely think meds have a place in taking the edge off crippling anxiety and mental illness, but I also think that a lot of anxiety is unresolved trauma and pain swirling about with nowhere to go. If you can attack the root then everything gets easier. I also second somatic practices like yoga, tai chi etc. x
Great post Esther- really honest and very relateable. I’m suffering with health anxiety and panic which is a joy (!) - mine has been with me since pre-babies but definitely got worse since. I’m too scared (ironically) to take any drugs so have just started on CBT for the first time in a group which I was dreading but is actually great. I’m trying to bite the bullet which is easier said than done, and start socialising and doing stuff- feel like I’m not living life properly at the moment and that needs to change. No silver bullet I don’t think, but I’m finding each thing I try chips away a little more so I’m feeling better, slowly, as the weeks go on x
Mumsnet would say HRT
Guardian would say cold water swimming
And there's an article in the Times today which suggests LSD
I'd try all of them?!
Also I think freelance writing is probably the worst profession for general anxiety, alongside having a famous husband. That's not helpful to you but I think you just need to understand that anxiety is a sensible reaction to what happened this summer.
Also Mirena causes anxiety in so many of my friends. I'd be inclined to try without that first before adding meds, especially as your anxiety was worse after babies so is obviously hormone linked. X
I love your breakdown of who would recommend what! I have been recommended so many and various magic mushroom products... seems like half the world is either taking mushrooms or SSRI. I find this enormously comforting.
We've just been hit with covid, and now it's here, I'm coping OK. But the run up to Christmas, the back to school, the constant testing... it ruined me.
I have amitriptyline, which I reserve for "can't sleep, clown'll eat me" anxiety (YOU HAVE SEEN THIS EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS, YES?) and I do yoga. I do not subscribe to the woo behind yoga, but it's very GROUNDING particularly as I am autistic and anxiety is often accompanied by the feeling that I need to peel my skin off because it's so AGGRAVATING.
But if you're asking does amitriptyline work? Yes. For me, it's a hard reset, like I've been turned off and on again. I take it maybe three times a year for anxiety (I'm prescribed it for endometriosis pain) and it stops me spiralling into wild-eyed, self-harming, agoraphobic madness.
Esther firstly yay you for talking about this. Because reading all the below from all your wonderful readers is nothing but a tonic. I felt riddled with anxiety - literally on the edge every day pre lockdown. It was hormonal and I took citalopram. But physical symptoms persisted and am now on HRT. (I’m wombless so no idea what would be happening period wise). So hormonally you could easily be perimenopausal. Or dealing with trauma/old issues - and talking helps. Brain chemistry changes when we go to counselling - a safe space to unload is amazing - and yes CBT can help us be more in the moment. Headspace is a fab app too - to take ten mins a day to simply let thoughts float by like traffic… Try and see what comes first? The thought of the feeling? Stay with your breathing and try to feel see touch and smell to be present. Anxiety is a beast. But it can be tamed. Sending a huge hug. One last thing - connection is important to make us feel less alone in our fears and stresses - you have created a very supportive community here. Xx
I am currently reading the excellent book -
MOODY BITCHES - the truth about the drugs your taking, the sleep your missing, the sex your not having, and what’s really making you crazy by Julie Holland.
The book is really fantastic at explaining the WHY in a very simple, easy to digest format. I highly recommend it. Knowledge is power!!!
I'm struggling to work out when general worries turn into an anxiety thing! Since having a baby nearly 3 years ago I have got more & more worried something will happen to her / me, but it isn't all the time and it isn't affecting my life / stopping me doing anything. It's just kind of THERE somewhere in the background.... is that just being a mum?!
When you have a baby, your brain shrinks to focus on danger, they can show it in brain scans. Isn't being a woman delightful.
I am sorry to hear about your anxiety. I would def explore the HRT options that people have commented about. I'd also recommend thinking about how you can alleviate the overactivity in your nervous system with a bottom-up approach. This means that, in addition to calming the anxious brain with top-down methods (talking therapy, CBT, writing etc.) also add things that calm the symptoms of anxiety in your body. This might include body-work (massage, osteopathy etc.); breath work; mindful movement (yoga, tai chi, que gong). Even if you’re not usually a fan of this kind of thing, clinical studies show that it can be helpful. I am sure someone will have already recommended it in the comments but The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent introduction to how and why this kind of intervention helps. Also, this bloke has loads of interesting and accessible info about different approaches: @theanxietymd
Like quite a few people who have commented, I too am on Citalipram and have been talking to a lovely French Therapist for 2 years now, and I can say that the combination is really Helping me. I don’t think I had ‘traditional’ anxiety, but am definitely peri menopausal and found that that the pandemic kind of accelerated some Post-natal depression (kids are still quite little: 5 and 2 !) I am pretty sure that more people take medication these days, and that’s OK; I think it’s brilliant that as a society, we’ve become more open about how we feel. Let me know if you’d like me to ask my therapist if she’s taking on clients ? XXXXXXXXXX