I was at Center parcs last week and dear god I am more tired than a human can be. Walking 20000 steps in a day, being forced to go down flumes and chutes etc. luckily I was over the weight limit for one activity so I got to sit out.
I physically collapsed in a heap every afternoon before yet another round of pickleball or glow in the dark table tennis.
I developed this weird little patch on my lower leg like a red rash. A woman in the pool that I got chatting to said it was ‘Disney rash’. I googled it. It was.
I had to delete nearly all the photos with me in them because I looked like a dead dog. I did look better in the neon glow of the table tennis though.
Omg Esther , I feel you just read my mind. I’m on half term break holidays too and feel exactly the same . I’ve always been the very slender type and suddenly I’m not when I reached 40. I thought I would never be this woman who cares about her physique getting older and here I am sigh …
To fight the blue tinged whiteness, in addition to fake tan, French pharmacies stock "bronzage" supplements every summer that I really think help, as well as factor 50 bronzing oil (I try not to get caught up in how this works). They weirdly also seem to mean I get fewer mozzie bites compared to other people. Also go to Italy and admire all the old ladies in bikinis with paunches and wrinkly skin, and you will never care again!
You are so funny! I feel like this today. Overnight cellulite AND wrinkles on thighs. I can’t be bothered to moisturise so only got myself to blame. Sagging jawline, age spots (why aren’t they called freckles?) dodgy hip. I feel hideous.
I am currently on holiday too and this piece has hit SO HARD. I really thought I was in a much more mid-40s-don’t-care space than it appears I am, given that a) my jawline appears to have melted, giving me appearance of a Batman villain and b) I still haven’t reconciled myself to my cankles, after many years of trying. I’m FURIOUS with myself. Is this how the slide to embracing “statement” jewellery begins? Because of a fear of a melted neckline?
Tell Kitty to keep her nose in her book. No-one cares for her opinions. You are slender and beautiful (which, for us shallow, 90s-era horrors, is of great importance), with the loveliest hair and so many pretty freckles. But do buy some more things, if you are still feeling Hobbity. Shops very rarely make me feel worse.
I always feel like a monster on holiday. If I successfully manage to lose half a stone and not drink for a month beforehand (hardly likely) I feel more normal, but then I SEE A PICTURE OF MYSELF. It has the ability to basically ruin my holiday. It's vain and stupid and quite frankly shameful, but I think, STB, what a beast! My much wiser sister once said to me, "you're more than a photo" it helped kinda, but i'm not such a profound person as she is.
We’re just vampires in bright light, hissing and melting. What us pale lot lack in melanin we make up for in self hatred. Mid 40s pre holiday tactics to overcome include: chemical hair straightening for frizz control, painted trotters and a firm control one piece. After that it’s big sunglasses and gratitude that the stretchmarks of youth have faded. Also the eyes have recently gone deliciously blurry so can’t see the boils any more. Monster temporarily tamed.
A young and attractive woman at the Sephora in LA has just told me I should switch to mineral sunscreen because “you need like anti aging and all that, yes ?”
Until this holiday I thought of myself as the caramel skinned woman you describe .. . America!
I too have wrestled with all of the insecurities and self hatred over the years ( I’m about to hit 60). Weight ( despite the fact I am and always have been well within acceptable bmi ), skin ( always had hormonal acne even as an adult ) and the fking CANKLES particularly in hot weather. What I’ve realised is that my perception of myself is just that - a perception based on comparing myself to the lithe giselle teeny tiny slim hipped shiny haired perfect skin people I see on tv and in film ( and now of course bloody social media ).
What OTHER people see ( when they look at me ) is entirely different. My husband thinks I am absolutely gorgeous. He loves seeing me without clothes on or in a bikini ( even when the dreaded cankles come out to play ) I hate him seeing me without clothes on. Why? Because I assume he sees me through the same lens that I see myself. Which he and probably most others don’t .
I guess my point here is that we are our own enemies in that we seem to gain our confidence in ourselves by being admired by OTHER women. If I have a body like e.g Jenifer Anniston then others will see that and therefore I will be considered as gorgeous as JA and therefore i can literally BE JA and then others will admire / love / or want to be me. I can strut around looking like JA and pretend I’m JA and what a confidence booster etc etc
But it’s all Bollocks of course because no one actually gives a shit ( other than our stupid brains ) and the people who we SHOULD care about what they think ( aka husband/ partner / friends and kids ) and they already think we are gorgeous ! And it makes them sad when we hate ourselves and hide our bodies away and stop being the fun happy person they fell in love with.
So I wear the bikini and try really hard to see my body as other REAL people do. It’s grown and reared an actual human being , it’s survived various broken bones and a hysterectomy and been ravaged by menopause but it’s still here and still doing its thing.
Wear the fake tan , slap on the oestrogen gel and as for the cankles , Boots compression / flight socks are a godsend for the bad days. 😉
I get it. I get it. I identify with it all. BUT! I also like to be comfortable and what sticks with me is from this piece is ‘one piece bathing suit’, and all I can feel is hot and sticky. NOOO!! So for me, while I admit to being very vain, comfort takes precedence. Bikini all the way. Anyway I am increasingly aware that NO ONE NOTICES ME ANYMORE. Apologies for shouting but it’s the sad truth. So f it all and wear the bikini. There is no winning.
You are so right. I'm on holiday in Copenhagen and literally every Dane I see is tall, handsome and very beautifully dressed. I was fretting about the cooler? clothes I should have packed instead of the comfy kit I bought with me and then it dawned on me that literally NO ONE is looking at me, cos I'm 58. So that's ok then!
I put it to you, young woman, that the blame here is hot weather, and the dearth of hot-weather clothes that do not make us resemble monsters. I say this as a Gen X who just said: “Are you shitting me?” to a Gen Z when she suggested I try a pair of elasticated linen trousers. I’m suicidal at the best of times. I do not need help from European fashion giants.
I have felt this way on every summer holiday I’ve ever been on, even when I was young and lithe. Because even when I was young and lithe I was still pasty with always at least one noticeable spot, and generally just allergic to heat and the sun and humidity. SO RELATED TO THIS POST. Thank you for making me laugh
God I so relate to this post and these comments too. Every holiday. And the allergic to the sun/humidity bit. I often these days feel like I am turning into my Grandma. It is refreshing to hear other people say they feel like this. Currently in Devon wearing chinos, a breton and Ozzie factor 50 hat, as per always.
Esther you are a real redhead role model for me, just saying. (beach trousers? Another top tip).
On holidays when she was tiny, my daughter would always walk down to the shore and talk to the sea. We would be sitting on a terrace bar or restaurant watching her, wondering if she was summoning the Kraken. I wouldn't put it past her.
Sorry you feel hideola, I do think you need to persist with the fake tan and whack on some proper 3-hour St Tropez type stuff. Leave it on overnight - the sheets you're sleeping on aren't yours, so who gives a damn if they stain?
Esther! You’re not a monster, we’re all (on here) just ordinary, probably decent looking, mid aged women who have not done the Anne Hathaway/ j lo / any other woman who’s older than 22 face upgrade thing.
Could I mention that hormones may well warp your vision of yourself? I read somewhere that our monthly cycle affects how we view ourselves (more/ less attractive depending on time of month). This really struck me because I had a few “ugly” days last week but now, 8 days later, think I look kinda alright actually. Ofc, my face is *the same*!
Also, you said this in a post a few wells ago, looking halfway presentable is such a time consuming task. Looking fabulous is a full time job and, honestly, I’d really rather do something more interesting.
So, ignore the mirrors for a bit, and it will pass.
I was at Center parcs last week and dear god I am more tired than a human can be. Walking 20000 steps in a day, being forced to go down flumes and chutes etc. luckily I was over the weight limit for one activity so I got to sit out.
I physically collapsed in a heap every afternoon before yet another round of pickleball or glow in the dark table tennis.
I developed this weird little patch on my lower leg like a red rash. A woman in the pool that I got chatting to said it was ‘Disney rash’. I googled it. It was.
I had to delete nearly all the photos with me in them because I looked like a dead dog. I did look better in the neon glow of the table tennis though.
Omg Esther , I feel you just read my mind. I’m on half term break holidays too and feel exactly the same . I’ve always been the very slender type and suddenly I’m not when I reached 40. I thought I would never be this woman who cares about her physique getting older and here I am sigh …
To fight the blue tinged whiteness, in addition to fake tan, French pharmacies stock "bronzage" supplements every summer that I really think help, as well as factor 50 bronzing oil (I try not to get caught up in how this works). They weirdly also seem to mean I get fewer mozzie bites compared to other people. Also go to Italy and admire all the old ladies in bikinis with paunches and wrinkly skin, and you will never care again!
You are so funny! I feel like this today. Overnight cellulite AND wrinkles on thighs. I can’t be bothered to moisturise so only got myself to blame. Sagging jawline, age spots (why aren’t they called freckles?) dodgy hip. I feel hideous.
I am currently on holiday too and this piece has hit SO HARD. I really thought I was in a much more mid-40s-don’t-care space than it appears I am, given that a) my jawline appears to have melted, giving me appearance of a Batman villain and b) I still haven’t reconciled myself to my cankles, after many years of trying. I’m FURIOUS with myself. Is this how the slide to embracing “statement” jewellery begins? Because of a fear of a melted neckline?
Oh we are all filthy disgusting ancient old boilers and those who aren’t are narcissistic psychopaths- take your pick x
Tell Kitty to keep her nose in her book. No-one cares for her opinions. You are slender and beautiful (which, for us shallow, 90s-era horrors, is of great importance), with the loveliest hair and so many pretty freckles. But do buy some more things, if you are still feeling Hobbity. Shops very rarely make me feel worse.
I always feel like a monster on holiday. If I successfully manage to lose half a stone and not drink for a month beforehand (hardly likely) I feel more normal, but then I SEE A PICTURE OF MYSELF. It has the ability to basically ruin my holiday. It's vain and stupid and quite frankly shameful, but I think, STB, what a beast! My much wiser sister once said to me, "you're more than a photo" it helped kinda, but i'm not such a profound person as she is.
We’re just vampires in bright light, hissing and melting. What us pale lot lack in melanin we make up for in self hatred. Mid 40s pre holiday tactics to overcome include: chemical hair straightening for frizz control, painted trotters and a firm control one piece. After that it’s big sunglasses and gratitude that the stretchmarks of youth have faded. Also the eyes have recently gone deliciously blurry so can’t see the boils any more. Monster temporarily tamed.
A young and attractive woman at the Sephora in LA has just told me I should switch to mineral sunscreen because “you need like anti aging and all that, yes ?”
Until this holiday I thought of myself as the caramel skinned woman you describe .. . America!
yes Shruti you are my caramel skinned slender limbed nightmare
Bless you Esther ! You have helped mitigate the effect of all this harsh California sunlight some ..
I too have wrestled with all of the insecurities and self hatred over the years ( I’m about to hit 60). Weight ( despite the fact I am and always have been well within acceptable bmi ), skin ( always had hormonal acne even as an adult ) and the fking CANKLES particularly in hot weather. What I’ve realised is that my perception of myself is just that - a perception based on comparing myself to the lithe giselle teeny tiny slim hipped shiny haired perfect skin people I see on tv and in film ( and now of course bloody social media ).
What OTHER people see ( when they look at me ) is entirely different. My husband thinks I am absolutely gorgeous. He loves seeing me without clothes on or in a bikini ( even when the dreaded cankles come out to play ) I hate him seeing me without clothes on. Why? Because I assume he sees me through the same lens that I see myself. Which he and probably most others don’t .
I guess my point here is that we are our own enemies in that we seem to gain our confidence in ourselves by being admired by OTHER women. If I have a body like e.g Jenifer Anniston then others will see that and therefore I will be considered as gorgeous as JA and therefore i can literally BE JA and then others will admire / love / or want to be me. I can strut around looking like JA and pretend I’m JA and what a confidence booster etc etc
But it’s all Bollocks of course because no one actually gives a shit ( other than our stupid brains ) and the people who we SHOULD care about what they think ( aka husband/ partner / friends and kids ) and they already think we are gorgeous ! And it makes them sad when we hate ourselves and hide our bodies away and stop being the fun happy person they fell in love with.
So I wear the bikini and try really hard to see my body as other REAL people do. It’s grown and reared an actual human being , it’s survived various broken bones and a hysterectomy and been ravaged by menopause but it’s still here and still doing its thing.
Wear the fake tan , slap on the oestrogen gel and as for the cankles , Boots compression / flight socks are a godsend for the bad days. 😉
I get it. I get it. I identify with it all. BUT! I also like to be comfortable and what sticks with me is from this piece is ‘one piece bathing suit’, and all I can feel is hot and sticky. NOOO!! So for me, while I admit to being very vain, comfort takes precedence. Bikini all the way. Anyway I am increasingly aware that NO ONE NOTICES ME ANYMORE. Apologies for shouting but it’s the sad truth. So f it all and wear the bikini. There is no winning.
You are so right. I'm on holiday in Copenhagen and literally every Dane I see is tall, handsome and very beautifully dressed. I was fretting about the cooler? clothes I should have packed instead of the comfy kit I bought with me and then it dawned on me that literally NO ONE is looking at me, cos I'm 58. So that's ok then!
I am actually going to go and get more bikinis because one-pieces are hateful
I put it to you, young woman, that the blame here is hot weather, and the dearth of hot-weather clothes that do not make us resemble monsters. I say this as a Gen X who just said: “Are you shitting me?” to a Gen Z when she suggested I try a pair of elasticated linen trousers. I’m suicidal at the best of times. I do not need help from European fashion giants.
I have felt this way on every summer holiday I’ve ever been on, even when I was young and lithe. Because even when I was young and lithe I was still pasty with always at least one noticeable spot, and generally just allergic to heat and the sun and humidity. SO RELATED TO THIS POST. Thank you for making me laugh
if I was writing longer I would have said this exactly. I have felt bloated and pale and imperfect on every holiday I've ever been on
God I so relate to this post and these comments too. Every holiday. And the allergic to the sun/humidity bit. I often these days feel like I am turning into my Grandma. It is refreshing to hear other people say they feel like this. Currently in Devon wearing chinos, a breton and Ozzie factor 50 hat, as per always.
Esther you are a real redhead role model for me, just saying. (beach trousers? Another top tip).
On holidays when she was tiny, my daughter would always walk down to the shore and talk to the sea. We would be sitting on a terrace bar or restaurant watching her, wondering if she was summoning the Kraken. I wouldn't put it past her.
Sorry you feel hideola, I do think you need to persist with the fake tan and whack on some proper 3-hour St Tropez type stuff. Leave it on overnight - the sheets you're sleeping on aren't yours, so who gives a damn if they stain?
that's the spirit
Esther! You’re not a monster, we’re all (on here) just ordinary, probably decent looking, mid aged women who have not done the Anne Hathaway/ j lo / any other woman who’s older than 22 face upgrade thing.
Could I mention that hormones may well warp your vision of yourself? I read somewhere that our monthly cycle affects how we view ourselves (more/ less attractive depending on time of month). This really struck me because I had a few “ugly” days last week but now, 8 days later, think I look kinda alright actually. Ofc, my face is *the same*!
Also, you said this in a post a few wells ago, looking halfway presentable is such a time consuming task. Looking fabulous is a full time job and, honestly, I’d really rather do something more interesting.
So, ignore the mirrors for a bit, and it will pass.
I absolutely agree that your perception of yourself is very hormonally driven