Why I'm not buying new trainers

the enlightenment of knowing yourself

As you age you have to strike a careful balance between being sensible about what you buy and remaining presentable. I used to care so much about what I wore. It mattered to me so much that I wore fashionable things.

But in the last few years, as I have cared less about being fashionable because 1) age and 2) inner peace, I start to run the risk of looking embarrassing: days and days spent in the same joggers, very dirty hair, that same coat. I feel the words of Kingsley Amis keenly: he described the loss of his demented priapism as like “being unchained from a lunatic”, I feel the loss of my chronic acquisitiveness just as keenly.

My friend Phoebe Frangoul once described my natural style as “Derelicte”, after Mugatu’s shambolic fashion collection in Zoolander. And that was very perceptive of her. I feel most at home when dressed like a 16 year old boy who has spent a week sleeping on friends’ sofas, having been thrown out of his parent’s house for dealing weed at school. So that is my vibe, but I’m aware that while this is cute aged 32 it’s less adorable aged 44. It’s important not to look actively embarrassing, to be just Derelicte enough. You have a social contract with your family to look presentable and my husband is also careful not to look embarrassing unless I specifically give him permission to wear socks and Birkies and that thermal top as outerwear. I also think you sort of have a social contract with the rest of the world. Other people have got to look at you and it’s nice to look nice.

So I have been sweating a bit over new trainers. White trainers are dead - we know this - and the new trainers are colourful Adidas Sambas, Gazelles and whatever the other ones are called. Top marks if they are pink (!!) or yellow (!!!!) I have known this for a long time because sometimes Kitty allows me to fetch her from school and as they have no uniform I discreetly scan all the extremely fashionable sixth formers as they sashay out of the gate. My favourite sixth former, who is very arty and has red hair, was wearing green Gazelles at least three years ago.

But I can’t bring myself to buy them, even though I look at women out and about in pink trainers and think “She’s done it, taken the plunge. Respect.” I already have two pairs of trainers. One is a pair of holey, white New Balance “Dad” running shoes that I put in the wash everyone now and again to keep clean and the second is a pair of Axel Arigato skater trainers (great with a wide-leg trouser) similar to these. They were extremely expensive and Giles bought them for my birthday three years ago.

What stops me is that I just know that if I bought a pair of yellow Adidas trainers I simply would find no use for them. Or be embarrassed to be wearing something quite so NOW. Either I’m in leggings and a sweatshirt with the New Balance or I’m stamping about the place in my Arigatos. In the summer I am in Tevas or pool slides with denim Bermudas and a baseball shirt I got from the Zara kids section.

I am happy/sad to have come to this pass, where I know that a new and fashionable item won’t fix everything. And my 16 year old weed-dealing dream boy wouldn’t wear yellow trainers, unless he found them in a skip, which I fear in 6 months’ time, he may well do. If I knew, right, that a pair of pink trainers would be fashionable for as long as it takes to wear holes in the toe, I would get some. Or would I? (and so on)

A rare recommendation, now, for another Substack, which I tend not to do as I am incredibly jealous for your attention and want to hold your face in my palms and hiss look at me and only me. But please do look at The Trowel, which is a very good and amusing newsletter about make-up. Rebecca and Claire have steered me away from Merit, (which they say has no staying power and I believe them), and towards Rejuvenate Collagen Shots, which have been very good. Say hello if you visit.

Please also do leave a comment about trainers. We are all listening.