I was interested to read in the paper today a study from a Pittsburgh University that showed “as marriages evolve, the flames of passion die down far more dramatically for women than men — possibly because wives are more romantic than their partners to start with but also, perhaps, because they are more likely to be lumbered with housework”.
The study also found that “women spend more time in household chores and cooking as relationships mature, while men spend increasingly more time relaxing and napping”.
The “relaxing and napping” made me laugh out loud. It was an interesting read and probably broadly accurate, worldwide. A lateral point to this is that it’s not really that women fall out of love with their husbands because their husbands relax and nap while they vacuum the curtains and wash the floor; women really fall out of love with their husbands when their husbands behave like children.
It happens all the time and it’s a thing that other women complain about to me a lot. Behaving like a child does not necessarily mean not helping with certain chores or taking naps. I always think that household “division of labour” can be a misleading concept, like you both ought to be cooking dinner precisely 50% of the time. I mean, you can do that if you like, but what works (so far) in my marriage is that we both play to our strengths and shoulder tasks that the other finds hateful. Giles hates unloading the dishwasher and I hate hate anything to do with paperwork. The problem comes I suppose when you both despise unloading the dishwasher and paperwork.
Anyway, I digress. It doesn’t matter if your husband is napping while you do the washing up, as long as you know that later he will to take your hyperactive son out for a run in a very cold, muddy park, while you watch Dune with your teenager.
What matters is if your husband is often helpless. I don’t know how men feel about helplessness in women, but persistent helplessness in men is so unattractive. So ick. When you, as a wife, feel like you are mothering your husband, that is undiluted yuck. I appreciated this study. I think it adds a tremendous amount to the conversations around the real effort that has to go into making a marriage work, long term.
Some beauty news: having seen the SkinCeuticles CE Ferulic Vitamin C serum on beauty pages everywhere for months, I was curious about it. But it is £165 and I thought: this is too much money. Then Clare Foges mentioned to me in passing as “one of the few [skincare] things that really really works”. Clare is badass, she does not mess about or waste time or money on things that don’t work. So I bought it immediately and it is absolutely excellent stuff.
Usually by this time in the winter, my skin is just desperate, a patchwork of strange colours, dry bits, puffy bits. I have used this every morning, faithfully, for a month and I really do think that my skin is in the best possible shape that it can be - all things considered. It is clear, bright, smooth and mostly one consistent colour.
If you have a skin regime you are happy with, don’t buy this - £165 is a lot. It will not make you younger or give you a different face. But I am sometimes asked what potion someone should buy to just correct everything. It’s this.
I was sent a lot of product by the French skincare company SVR and the standout thing for me was the mascara. I stopped wearing mascara years ago because - I now realise - it flakes off and really irritates my eyes (even the Hourglass one). This does not do this. It goes on nicely and sticks like glue and I love it.
An important medical point: note down on your phone somewhere your children’s NHS numbers. If you need an emergency prescription for your child when you are away from home you will need that number. And even if their profile is linked on your NHS app, it will not show their NHS number - why not!! madness. I discovered this on New Year’s Eve as I stood in a windy carpark in Norfolk, talking loudly through a broken speaker-system to Boots pharmacist. Luckily the pharmacist was an amazingly nice man - he really wanted to help me, which is so rare, and I managed to find Sam’s NHS number on an old email.
So do this for your kids. But not for your husband, because he’s not a baby.
How about you? Is your husband a massive child? Or is it you. Please leave a comment to amuse and inform us all in the handy box below.
very interesting and thought-provoking piece esther. some things i agree with you, but i dont know about the part where men dont do any house chores, take naps and barely do anything. that's not a partner, that's a child or roommate. one person can't be doing all the chores, that's not a good relationship or marriage.
My first and second marriages were to massive children. No surprise, as my dad has never sincerely apologized in all his 73 years, is an asshole on all sorts of levels, so getting praise for taking care and being hyper vigilant was heady stuff for baby me.
I don't actually have a brilliant solution, other than to side-step the whole thing. My partner and are long term and long haul, but we live apart during the week and I just refuse to do more than that. He's one of those wait to be told guys, even though I know damn well his mama made him do his share and then some growing up. I love and respect him, and he's a great guy, but if I lived with him, I'd either spend the first year setting standards or I'd get so pissed we never have sex again.
The everyone does 15 minutes solution is genius, though. I do a less formal version of that when I remember, but now it's going to be nightly.