Lipbalms I have known

A girl once told me that you train your lips to need lip balm, by using lipbalm. “You start off thinking it’s just fun,” she said, “but after a bit if you stop using it your lips all shrivel up.”

I chose not to believe her. I was 12 years old and devoted to pots of green, kiwi-scented slime from The Body Shop and it just seemed the correct and grown-up thing to do to apply the slime when I needed to feel correct and grown-up. I have not used a pot of kiwi-scented lip balm for probably 25 years, and I see from the website that it is no longer available, but if I really concentrate I can summon up in my mind the exact smell.

At the time, I didn’t realise that I didn’t even know what made a good lip balm. That kiwi balm went on and slid off without really doing anything, certainly at no point did it breach the lips’ surface layer and deliver, y’know, any actual moisture. But at least it was not tested on animals.

Later I discovered the miracle that is Lansinoh, which sells itself as a cracked nipple healing cream, but is in fact the world’s best lipbalm. This fact was also quickly noticed by a cosmetics company Lanolips, who brought out their 101 Ointment, a reassuringly expensive, thick gloop that could be used on lips and nail cuticles. The drawback with both of these is that within a few months, some ingredient in the gloop (I’m assuming it’s the lanolin) sets like glue and you cannot get it out of the damn tube.

Lanolips has responded to this problem by bringing out a twist-up stick version of the 101 Ointment, called Lanostick. At the moment, I can only see it available to buy on Cult Beauty, which I feel is a little bit up-themselves. It is also £13, which is very reassuringly expensive, but by no means the most I have ever paid for lip balm. I have just received my Lanostick and I’m interested to see how it performs in the long-term.

Balance Me’s StellarBalm is more reasonably-priced, at £7 and it also has no delusions about rarity value and flogs itself on Amazon. Eve Lom’s KissMix is sort of the Ronaldo of lip balms - very effective and absurdly expensive at £16, but with humble ideas about outlets, retailing as it does at John Lewis. I must say though, I do get a luxury thrill when I treat myself to a bit of my minty KissMix. It leaves a ghostly, mirror-like sheen on the lips and to my mind, is worth every penny.

I daresay the manager of Man Utd feels similar feelings when when he sees Ronaldo trotting out at Old Trafford.