How to keep plants alive

a guide for complete beginners, or known serial killers

The idea that I am writing about keeping plants alive is hilarious, as from 1995 - 2014 I was plant-killer in chief. I was one of those awful people who purchased a lovely lush plant from the garden centre, because plants are lovely, brought it home and killed it within three months.

So what changed? I’m not sure. Possibly age? I started to just really care about plants. I had sworn off them for years due to the dying thing, but then someone gave me a money plant and I thought, “I must take care of this.” I decided that every Friday, I would water this plant. Friday was now plant-watering day. I also put it near a window. And, astonishingly: it lived.

Now I can’t stop buying plants and they almost all survive. I’m no Monty Don but neither am I the Ted Bundy of greenery: I call that progress.

I’m not sure exactly what it is that keeps my plants alive, but here are a few ideas if you, too, wreak havoc on surrounding bio-matter.

1 A nominated watering day was key for me. Perhaps pick Bin Day, or some other day with a habit that you can link it to. I don’t like those people who say “Oh, just feel the soil and water if it is dry.” No! I am not going to do that. I need to pick a day and then do it on that day. If a plant is not looking too dry on a Friday then I will just give it a dribble of water. I don’t want to do it ad hoc. I don’t do anything ad hoc.

I am careful not to overwater - I read that this is the no.1 killer of houseplants: they don’t need nearly as much water as you think they do. What plants really love is light and then the right amount of it - either bright, direct, diffused or even shady. If in doubt, google the plant and see what its needs are.

2 Water with rainwater. I have a water butt in the garden, which I use for plants because plants love rainwater above all things. If you don’t have a butt, consider getting one if that’s at all practical. Even a little one? If this is out of the question, fill a tankard with water and leave it with the lid off for a few days - the chemicals in the tap water evaporate and the plants seem to like it better.

2b You can get a very pesky thing called Houseplant Flies, which are weeny gnats that live on the roots of plants. This is more likely to happen if the soil is soggy and a way for this not to happen is to water from the base up, rather than top down - which means filling the water tray with water and allowing the plant to soak it up from there. Then don't leave the plant sitting in water.

If you do get houseplant flies, hang up a sticky yellow trap near the plant in order to trap adult flies, then cover the soil around the plant with gravel or sand, so that any remaining adult flies can’t burrow back into the soil. I did this with my very mild infestation last year and it worked, you just have to keep at it. The general consensus is that houseplant flies don’t kill plants but I’m convinced that one of my rubber plants and a money plant was carried off by the little bastards.

3 Choose the plant that’s right for your home. I have brought home totally inappropriate plants that don’t thrive because it’s the wrong environment. I currently have a pitcher plant, which Sam was desperate for, and it is stubbornly clinging on to life, even though my house isn’t nearly warm or humid enough, (for most of the year), for it to be truly happy, i.e. grow any more pitchers. Still, it’s green and lush and looks nice in its hanging basket.

Monsteras suit most homes. Start there. If you can keep one of those alive, you’re on to something.

4 Re-potting and changing the soil. If your plant is doing okay but suddenly looks like your Y7 son in too-small trousers with an inch of sock showing, it might be time to change the pot to a larger size. I’m told that plants don’t really care about new soil but I can’t help but thinking that they must do. All my plants have seemed so much more cheerful after a re-pot with some nice, fresh houseplant-specialist compost.

5 Feeding plants with Baby Bio or any other plant food is a great idea - just read the instructions. I know that sounds idiotic, but if it says dilute 5ml in 1 litre of water, once a fortnight during growing season, (summer), then do exactly that and nothing else and definitely don’t wing it.

6 If you are a tech-positive person, use an app like Planta. You take a picture of your plant and it will tell you what it is and what it needs. If it’s not looking well, it will tell you what the problem is (almost always overwatering).

7 You can also take your sick plant into the garden centre for a diagnosis. Garden centres are the sorts of places where the people who work there actually know things, unlike DIY shops.

8 Some plants die. People might disagree with me about this but I’ve had some plants that, even with the right care, just die. If you are doing all the right things but a plant still dies, well, don’t beat yourself up.

Here are some of my favourite plants:

This is the first plant I bought myself that I didn’t kill. I’ve had it for 12 years.

This is the jungle corner of my kitchen, complete with a picture of a Toucan. The gigantic dripping green plant, a Philodendron, is my pride and joy. Those of you with sharp eyes will note that I have a pitcher plant and a string-of-hearts in the same hanging basket and will want to tell me that this won’t work due to their different watering needs. All I can say is that I am monitoring the situation.

Lads, lads, lads: the palm on the left is from a gift basket, the palm at the back is one I bought that’s never been totally happy, (I live in hope), and the monstera on the right is a cutting from a larger monstera upstairs. From July to September these live outside, just for a change of light density for them.

Has any of that been useful? I do hope so. Please do share your top tips for keeping houseplants alive and thriving in the handy comment box below.