First, an apology. This is not a newsletter telling you that the war in Ukraine will shortly be over. Or that Putin actually doesn’t have any nuclear weapons, or that he’d never dare. I can’t tell you any of that. I can only talk about myself. And my stomach.
I have had chronic indigestion and acid reflux since I was 25. I remember the first time it was so bad that it woke me up. Out of a deep sleep at about 5am. I thought I was dying and I thought Oh God I am going to die alone aged 25 and no-one will find me for weeks. But then I realised it must just be indigestion.
Then aged about 34, I developed a chronic cough. But I was never coughing anything up. It was just a cough, which has got worse and worse. I often feel like I just can’t clear my throat, that there is something stuck there. It drives my husband completely round the bend.
Obviously I assumed that the acid reflux and the cough were signs of cancer. I am a normal, rational person and so I think everything is cancer. I went to an ENT consultant who listened to my problem and then poked a camera on a wire up my nose and down the back of my throat and said, “It’s not cancer.”
I am glossing over the unpleasantness of this experience because, much like possible nuclear armageddon, once I start talking about how horrible it was I won’t be able to stop and that’s not what this is about.
But I still had the acid reflux and the cough. I took Lansoprazole for the acid reflux a and for the cough, well, I just had to deal with it.
Then I went on holiday in half term and met a man who was a singer. He was eating an enormous piece of cheese at lunch and he said, “I’ve just come back from a tour and when I’m touring I don’t eat dairy. No singer does. It makes you all coughy and phlegmy.”
I looked at my husband and he looked back at me. Could this be the cure? As we were staying in a hotel, it was very easy for me to cut out dairy and I was both pleased and devastated to discover that it did actually - I think - make a difference. It’s not perfect but I’m pretty sure it’s better. It’s possible that the reflux and the cough will always be there but dairy makes it worse.
But oh! To give up dairy - to really give it up - makes me feel like a part of me has died. I understand that this sounds self-regarding and like a massive overreaction when you consider nuclear armageddon - (and it’s true that world events have helped to put having to drink black tea in perspective, or is it making my reflux worse?) - but I can’t really believe that I will have to drink black tea forever.
My husband’s first suggestion was to make my PG Tips weak. “PG Tips is rocket fuel, it’s strong, strong black tea. Milk makes it drinkable at that strength but without milk it’s too bitter. Just dunk the teabag in and out about three times, don’t squeeze it, and it will be okay.” And he’s right. I’m the sort of person who goes to bed mostly so that I can wake up and have a very strong cup of PG Tips with milk and a dash of sugar. My first cup of tea of the day no longer brings me quite as much joy, but it will do. It will have to.
I bought dairy-free raspberry-flavoured yoghurt from Nush. Not nice. I substituted Flora Plant Butter for dairy butter on my toast, which tastes fine but Plant Butter has only a tiny, trace amount of protein in it and it is protein that make you feel full. Where once a piece of toast with butter and marmalade would keep me going for a while, by substituting butter for plant butter I was just starving, shovelling down slice after slice of toast and still hungry. I have now substituted the plant butter for peanut butter and banana. It’s fine but it could get boring. I bought some dairy-free chocolate, that’s okay. A bit grainy. I made a cake using oil instead of butter - that worked.
I am trying not to think about the things that I can’t have - BUTTER mostly, milk in my tea (can you tell I’m sore about it), gooey unpasteurised cheeses, halloumi, pastries, Weetabix with milk, hot chocolate - and giving thanks for the things that are still in my life: eggs, fish, meat, rice, citrus, gluten, nuts. I’m also being thankful that I live in a time and a world where not eating dairy is catered for almost everywhere.
I am also grateful that I woke up this morning still alive and that I don’t have to walk with my children and a suitcase to any sort of border. I hope I will wake up tomorrow still alive.
How about you? Have you had to give up dairy recently? What are your best substitutes? Where are you on the nuclear armageddon anxiety-o-meter? Please leave a comment in the handy box.
Hi Esther, my best non-dairy find is coconut yogurt. Creamy enough to feel like I’m eating Greek yogurt! Works brilliantly in sauces instead of cream and on its own with fruit. The brand Coyo is sadly out of stock in the UK so The Coconut Collaborative is the one I buy from Sainsbury’s. Good luck! Giving up cheese is shit. I miss ALL cheese and the vegan substitutes make me sad 🤦
Could it be post nasal drip? I cough constantly, spectacularly irritating … nasal rinse helps 🙈