Dear Husband

Get your plastic out

Here we are again! My annual marriage-saving dash through Christmas gift ideas for your wife that will not make her fall into a despairing window-staring reverie about her life choices (i.e. marrying you).

I have tried, with these annual posts, over the years, to make you - the man - understand that all your wife wants, really all she wants, is to feel seen and understood.

Sometimes when writing this I think I am being unfair by slating all men as self-obsessed dunderheads, but then for the rest of the year I hear such terrible stories about men and their present buying, I feel like I don’t go far enough!

LISTEN TO ME. Your wife will tell you, repeatedly, all year long, what it is that she wants for Christmas. Okay, it might not be out loud, but at the very least she will show you.

What does she like wearing? What jewellery is she most often seen in? What does she like doing when she is not picking up after you or tending to your children/dog? What does she wistfully natter on about owning one day?

Just set yourself to “receive” rather than “broadcast” for one single week, starting today, and you will runneth over with inspiration for gifts.

The other mantra to fall back on when sweatily slaloming through Selfridges on the 23rd December is: Something to wear, something to read, something to smell, something to eat. Opening one big present is fun, opening four Tier 2 gifts is also nice.

If you really are planning on the the sweaty Selfridges slalom, be careful: the sales assistants see you coming. I used work at Tiffany & Co. and the men who arrived very clearly trying to buy their way out of trouble were sitting ducks: we ran a competition to see who could sell them the most ugly, otherwise un-shiftable thing. “Why yes, she will love this 14cm high sterling silver bouquet of flowers with no discernible purpose.”

What makes your wife really hacked off, though, is when you angrily ask her what she wants for Christmas, then ignore what she says because what does she know? then buy her a garden rake, because you quite like the look of it.

Don’t forget: if you put even a tiny amount of thought into your gift you cannot get it wrong. Far better for your gift to be wild and mad, rather than boring and insulting. Swallow your pride and make sure you keep the receipt. She won't mind taking it back. In fact, that may even make her happier.

I’d love it if you came up with an idea on your own, but if after all this you are still drawing a blank, here is some inspiration, which is WAY BETTER than what you will get in a magazine gift guide because they only want things that all look nice together on the page (e.g. a bean-to-cup coffee machine or a diamond ink well) and are often £2,000.

So here we go.

There has been a big thing for the last two years about what trainers to wear and the collective decision is Adidas Gazelles.

If you think of yourself as a jewellery-buying kind of guy, Kirstie Le Marque retains her crown for the third year running, occupying that precious space where price meets quality meets design. Remember to check what your wife already has a lot of. If she never wears bracelets, don’t get her a bracelet. It’s very simple.

Otherwise, pearls are the absolute thing right now. I like these. If you don’t want to get these, make sure the pearls you go for are dainty, not giant vulgar whoppers. In this instance, more is not more.

I normally shy away from skincare sets as I feel like they are usually stuffed with junk, but in fact there are some very good ones available on Cult Beauty. The chic names to know, that will make your wife think you are possibly 1% gay (this is a good thing), are Sunday Riley, Drunk Elephant and Augustinus Bader.

Same goes for scent discovery sets, unless your wife is very wedded to a particular fragrance, she will be extremely curious about Phlur. Get her this!

More than anything, women want permission to do things that they might feel a bit defensive about - for example, sitting in bed, reading their book and drinking tea. If you were to buy her this nightgown from very now nightgown merchant, If Only If, she will truly feel loved. Or perhaps a serious pair of pyjamas from Toast. My son bought me an elaborate flamingo cup and saucer two years ago from Alice Peto because of how much I love drinking tea, and I use it every day and will be buried with it.

Who doesn’t like cashmere? You cannot fail with a wrap from Gussy and Lou.

If she doesn't have a set of AirPods yet, change that. And then get her a jazzy case for them.

This is a bit left field but my husband got me a pencil case last year from Smythson and it is possibly my most cherished thing, aside from the flamingo cup. I don’t know why I like it so much, possibly a hangover from childhood - like so many things. But Giles had noticed that I was carrying my favourite pens and pencils about in a freezer bag and so saw an opportunity to upgrade me. Could you do the same?

Another thing that I have always dismissed is gift cards, because I always think it’s a bit of a buck-passing item: here you go! Your problem now. BUT! If you combine a generous gift card from somewhere really exciting, like Liberty, with a few other nice things to open on the day, I think it’s a decent solution.

Smaller gifts that can accompany larger gifts.

Clarins Eau Dynamisante - this is technically a cologne and is really nice to spritz about the place when you’re not feeling like a full Portrait of a Lady thunder-cloud. Nice to spray on bedsheets, too, if you’re going through a manic housekeeping phase (don’t say this to her).

Cashmere socks from Brora. Never, ever the wrong thing.

Self-heating eye-masks - these are just absolutely incredible. You find a quiet moment, lie down in bed, stick one of these on and have the best nap of your life. These are particularly great in the winter when your eyes have just crisped up to beanholes due to staring at a screen/central heating/wind/rain/internal psychodrama.

Slip silk pillowcase. A silk pillowcase sounds really mad but they absolutely work in cosseting your face and bonce during the night. I had two and used them until they fell to shreds. And since I stopped using them, I have noticed that both my hair and face have suffered.

Olverum. I plug this every year - it’s the last word in super posh bath oil that ought to be just a standard-issue Christmas gift. Like Badedas, but will not give you eczema,

Books. I have in the past declared war on books as a gift, but as a side gift I actually now think they are okay. Perhaps three slim volumes with nice covers, tied with ribbon, chosen thoughtfully - that word again, thought - that you reckon your wife might be into. Don’t only get the books, by the way, even if she says “just get me books”. She doesn’t mean it.

Okay? Off you go, then. Don’t fuck it up!