The only thing that really bothers women when it comes to receiving gifts from husbands, is receiving a gift that tells her that he has literally no idea who she is or what she likes. That he has spent the sum total of zero minutes thinking about her. It’s the personlised gun holster, when she is a pacifist. It’s the scratchy nylon underwear, when she’s more of a big-pants girl. It’s the giant Le Creuset pot, when she repeatedly declares that she hates cooking.
If my son, aged five - barely a sentient person - was able to identify a few Decembers ago that I’m always looking for my kitchen scissors and I like flowers, ergo great gifts would be kitchen scissors and a vase, (correct), then you can apply the same basic detective skills, being some many years older than five in age, if not in spirit.
Just please, I beg you, pay some attention to the women who sent you this post. Just for a bit. Observe. Does she love her AirPods? Get her an whooszy designer AirPods case - or upgrade her AirPods to the Pro version. Does she live to eat in front of the telly? Get her one of those trays with the cushiony bit underneath to facilitate this. Is she constantly fussing about with her hair? Get her the new super-light Hersheson hairdryer. Is her bliss time listening to a podcast in the bath? Get her a waterproof UE Boom speaker. Does she keep borrowing the toddler’s bucket hat to go out in the rain? Upgrade her to a Gucci one!
If you want to buy her jewellery, look at the kind of jewellery she already wears. That’s the kind she likes. If she is into super-fine gold rings and weeny studs then she is not going to want some clunking hideous silver link bracelet monstrosity from Links. If she says, over and over again, “Necklaces don’t suit me,” don’t get her a fucking necklace. Don’t confirm to her that, truly, “necklace” is the only word in that sentence you could be bothered to listen to.
You laugh, I have seen this happen.
And don’t worry that she won’t want something like the thing she has already got, because women are hoarders. It’s why when she opens her wardrobe she has nine Breton tops, fourteen identical pairs of jeans, three hundred navy sweaters. If someone gave me a Breton sweater, a high-waisted, wide-leg pair of jeans or a navy sweater I’d be delighted. I would not say, “I’ve already got these.”
In every moment of your wife’s day there will be an opportunity to look and learn what she likes and doesn’t like. In the run up to Christmas she will also be dropping great flashing neon hints at you as to what she wants and you will only need to drag your face away from fucking Twitter for nine seconds to listen to her - even though, bummer, she’s not talking about you - to get this thing done.
Otherwise, here are some suggestions.
Spacemasks are an amazing stocking filler or adjacent gift if you work on the principle that it’s just really fun to have lots of things to unwrap. I consider them very treaty things because they are single use and don’t look very recyclable to me.
An aside! If you are having people to stay over Christmas and want to really go all out, leave one of these on their pillow and access to a bottle of This Works Deep Sleep Pillow Spray. They will scream and die and tell all their friends it was the best Christmas ever.
Trinny London Miracle Blur. This is amazing stuff - also an adjacent gift (see above) - although it will get your wife hooked on Trinny London if she doesn’t already. Buy online or from a Fenwicks concession stand.
Olverum - the best bath oil ever created. Eucalyptus and other aromatic stuff, smells like very posh Badedas but will not strip your skin back by an entire layer.
Eve Lom Kiss Mix. I believe in the world of consumerist bullshit something like the Eve Lom lip salve is called an “elevated essential” or an “elevated basic” or some other patronising jargon. It’s basically the principle of massively pimping things that you use every day, rather than splashing out on, say, a £2k evening dress you wear twice a year. So you don’t just wear socks, you wear cashmere socks, you don’t just have a Cazoo-branded travel coffee mug, you have this one. Your lipsalve isn’t a battered tube of Lansinoh left over from when the 5yo was breastfeeding, you have a £14 pot of Eve Lom Kiss Mix.
Elemis SOS cream - this is very expensive stuff but I have yet to see a skin problem that it cannot alleviate. Very thick and creamy, but you can mix it with a workaday moisturiser like CeraVe and it would still help a lot with dryness or redness - it can even calm down a rash of acne.
Jones Road - your wife will be fascinated by Jones Road, (too long to explain why), but won’t have taken the plunge into a purchase because buying cosmetics online is a bit hazardous. This start-up kit containing non skin-tone products is a fool-proof toe-dip.
One year a male friend of mine bought his wife an Anya Hindmarch make-up case and then went to five cosmetics concession stands and asked each one what was their bestseller, than filled the make-up case with these goodies and I must say, that was pretty inspired.
Champagne glasses - I don’t know anyone who doesn’t lose it with delight when they see these glasses. I don’t even really like champagne that much but there is something so winning about these. They can also be used for cocktails or, hell, even kombucha - why not?
Gold hoops. The problem with gold hoops is that you eventually lose one half of the pair. Everyone loves gold hoops, most people suit them. Check her ears are pierced first because I bet you don’t know off the top of your head.
Charlotte Tilbury eye cream no woman has ever opened a gift, seen that it is from Charlotte Tilbury and thought, “I don’t want this.”
Scent atomiser because the modern scent bottle is often not very ergonomically designed. I am looking at you, Miller Harris. For real, I often don’t reach for my Miller Harris scent because the bottle is such a weird clunky, sharp-edged design. Come back Jean-Paul Gaultier! All is forgiven!
Scent discovery set - exciting on the same level as a Kellogg’s variety pack.
AirPods case - okay this is a bit of an outlandish example of the type, but either keep your eye out for something more sombre, or fuck it, get this - it will make her laugh.
Kirstie La Marque is a really stealth jeweller, in that she is very good and desirable and feels original, (without being quirky i.e. ugly), but she isn’t “everywhere” and therefore a horrible cliché.
Travel jewellery case - it doesn’t have to be this one but there is something really great about having a travel jewellery case rather than rolling all your jewels up in a sock and jamming it in the flappy side-pouch bit of your suitcase.
She’s probably already got one, but if not, a phone “necklace” is the thing to have. Life-changing.
Pinky ring - years ago, when I predicted pinky rings were going to be a hit everyone laughed at me but now they are totally a hit. I used to have one from Laura Lee that said “Hold Fast” on it in swirly writing and it was my favourite damned thing in the world, but then I lost it.
Fund sweater I think the Bella Freud sweater is now a bit of a victim of its own success. These are the new It sweaters. I also like “Get On With It” and “BASTARDS”.
I have not included any sort of handbag in this list because I stand by my new-is principle that designer handbags are now completely over and faintly risible.
I can’t believe after all these years that I still have to say this but keep the receipt. And don’t be offended if she wants to take something back. If your ego can’t take it, just blame me.
I love all of this.. but…
Help with buying bloody presents for them???? Thanks in advance
Fantastic ideas - thank you! Some of these I love and the rest I know I WOULD love. Actually, can you just do all our Christmas shopping, please?!